I’m playing too much. Fucking around. I may be in complete shut down mode; no fucking idea. What I do know is that most of yesterday was spent playing trial computer games until my free hour was up. Got up and swam today…for some reason or other. Couldn’t quite figure out why I was doing it. I wanted to sleep in. My head is tired. And blank. Even considered not blogging today; what is there to say? My life continues as it did yesterday. Limbo. Nothingness. Nothing to anchor it or make it meaningful, other than the meaning that I attach to it (all my stuff; I know, I know).
I should. I should have more oomph. I should be doing more. I should be happy; my feet are getting measured for my new shoes today. And I am happy…somewhere…under this utter lack of drive.
My hands went numb last night to the point where I didn’t know if I HAD hands anymore. The complete disappointment in my body for succumbing yet again to the RA is unspeakable. What started a few weeks ago as increased pain and stiffness is becoming a whirlwind of THAT again. Fog. Sleep. No drive. Pain. Numbness. No strength. The thought of hanging in there until my next appointment is getting harder to hold on to. Sorry for the 24 hour turn around. That’s my life. Feel great one day, good enough to make plans and spout a bunch of stuff, then boom! Down ya go to that mother fucking opponent called Rheumatoid Arthritis.
Every day I open my eyes on a new world. Things have changed since I fell asleep. People have died and been born, people have worked and cheated and lied, things have shifted. Entirely new world. At least, that’s the way I see it. One day I’m happy, the next day the same exact set up will fill me with discontent. Why? It’s a new world. I have new eyes. In some ways, there is no continuity for me. I can’t count on my body, for one. Most people go to bed and wake up in basically the same physical condition. I don’t. I can feel fine going to bed and wake up in agony. Can I walk the stairs? Can I feel my hands? Depends on what world I wake up in.
The world I woke up to this morning sucked shit.
No particular reason, other than the drag of a body that just feels like gravity increased in my general vicinity by 300%. That’s enough. The body brings down the mind pretty fucking quick. I don’t have the energy to fight it. And suddenly the stuff that was supposed to be fun – getting fitted for my new shoes – has become a hinderance, an obstacle that I have to push past no matter how goddamn tired I am.
Suck my dick, Universe, for setting this up.
It’s early enough I can try to nap. And then jack up on caffeine. That’s a patch job on this, I know. It’s the best I can do.
Fuck! I’m tired.
That’s it. I’m wrapping this up. Keeping my eyes open and my head off the desk is too tough right now. Today’s kindness is to let myself sleep. All the way to my appointment, if needed…