WARNING: TRIGGERS, BIASES, AND A LOT OF ANGRY RANTING ARE INCLUDED IN THIS POST. READER BEWARE.
My calendar has a lot of blanks this morning, all the way up to 9 a.m. I went to bed last night determined to not smoke this morning before swimming, and I held to that.
Whether by some macabre design or stupid chance, by 7:20 this morning there were 30+ people in the pool. My delightful swim became stalling out behind people who weren’t drowning and trying to avoid the chemical reaction between chlorine and some people’s hairspray. Very undelightful. Every length served to piss me off. People were too fucking slow. HEY! If you can only doggy paddle, get in the fucking slow lane. If you want to swim next to your buddy and talk, get in the slow lane. If you continuously have people swim up your ASS because you’re only moving at the rate of the fucking leaf floating on the goddamn water, get in the fucking slow lane. I’m not a fucking dick. I know I’m not fast enough for the fast lane with all those people who do the crawl or butterfly length after length. That’s why I’m in the fucking middle lane. Because I swim faster than your ass but not fast enough to move that one lane over. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.
Really goddamn fucking pissed off about that.
Then I turn on the fucking news – the FUCKING news, and have to look at Madeline Albright and Gloria Steinham shaming American women who won’t vote for Hillary Clinton. YOU FUCKING WHORES! Goddamn it! How DARE you speak up at all. Albright, you’re a burnt out husk and frankly I’m not entirely sure you’re not a man to begin with. Steinham – shut the fuck up. You don’t know shit, you’re out of date, out of touch. Christ, if I were there I’d be fucking lining up to bulldoze over these bitches.
My brother says calm down. Calm the fuck down. Like always. Calm down, I get too excited, there’s no reason to be so angry. YES THERE IS A FUCKING REASON TO BE SO FUCKING ANGRY! Shit! And it’s not about not smoking, either!
Meanwhile in Austria a 10 year old boy is traumatized because a man ‘had a sexual emergency’ and raped the boy so severely he’s had to be hospitalized. You guessed it; it’s a refugee thing and as far as I can tell THE MAN ISN’T JAILED YET. That’s the whole goddamn fucking problem with the refugee thing: when they break the fucking law no one does a goddamn fucking thing. It’s like they have fucking diplomatic immunity of something. It’s fucking outrageous. OUTRAGEOUS. I can’t blame the vigilante groups for the patrols and things they’re doing. EU citizens are at the mercy of this situation. And the police seem to do NOTHING.
I watched a special on Greece last night, too. It was mostly a travel thing, but of course the host had to touch on the refugees coming in by boat. He and the cameraman witnessed several boats coming in. The situation down there…unfucking believable. I can barely grasp the feet shuffling the rest of the goddamn world is doing when Greece is shouldering so much fucking responsibility for this crisis.
And gangs are taking over Dublin, Ireland. Can’t forget my former home.
…All this on the heels of small victories. My small victory this morning in delaying my first smoke was an echo of yesterday, when I went all afternoon from 1 to 6 p.m. with only one J. It was a challenge, too. I resorted to taking a walk in high winds (gusts to 100kph) and a long shower to help me. Today I’ll try to do more of the same. I’ve set myself up to make dinner tonight, so I have to pick shit up from the store and then prep it. That’ll eat up several hours. I’ll probably try to drill some more language and do a few sit-ups. Maybe get some dusting done. Anything to keep me away from toking right now.
HA! That last sentence was easy to type when I still had a bit of something to smoke. I just put it out, and already I’m wringing my hands and calculating how many more hours I’d like to hold off (the answer is two). Don’t know that I’ll make it
and I don’t know that I care. Fuck. I have to care. I’m the one that needs to do this, and if I keep saying fuck it every time I get angry I’ll be doing this the rest of my life.
And I really, really want to reach out and fire up…
Breaking smoking while I write or work on music is my biggest challenge. It’s become my thing. Work like someone obsessed, then sit back and take a few hits before moving on. I guess all challenges begin somewhere small. Here’s mine: finish this post, proof it and publish it without smoking again. Small challenge, yes. Big leap – most definitely. Screw the two hours. Just do this. This small thing. Prove to yourself that you can. Then you can go ahead and smoke knowing you finished writing without your usual two Js. Won’t that be empowering? *rolls eyes*
I don’t want to overload…and I’m afraid I’m doing just that. When does challenging yourself become overload?
Managed to begin working on a problem that’s been nagging at me for months. I got online and I think I managed to activate my bank card. Still have to check for sure. And I still have to figure out how to update my info with Apple iStore and get the new OS system for my computer. But I took the first step.
Yeah. I’m not sure when I decided, but I did decide today’s the day. Today’s the day I start to really challenge myself with smoking. Really try to hold back. Tomorrow will be harder; no swimming at 7 to take me away from my habits. And maybe I won’t be able to do it tomorrow, or even get thru today with smoking less. But you know what? I got thru this post.