Ready to Talk

Hi. Hello. Did not expect to be here before noon today, but once again my counseling session was cancelled EN ROUTE. Heike is sinking fast in my estimation. So far her score is 2 cancellations to 1 appointment. Not. good. Addiction Central is not doing too great in my book, either. Got a SMS in while I was on the metro. It didn’t just cancel my appointment, it told me my new appointment was tomorrow at 9:30. I almost just turned around and took it without saying anything, even tho making a 9:30 appointment tomorrow would mean I’d sacrifice my swim time.

Then I said no. No, they’re not taking away my swim time. No, they’re not fucking with the part of my schedule that WORKS for me. I’ve said ad infinitum that afternoons are better. I guess they haven’t got that message yet.

My reply SMS was conveniently ignored. Never mind; I’m on fire and just got off a phone call with them demanding an afternoon appointment. My back is up and I’m not happy about that, BUT…I did stand up for myself. I did demand respect for what I want to do by refusing to jump when they said. They should jump for me, not the other way around. I feel good about that.

Of course, the entire fiasco stole at least an hour from me between waiting for the metro, riding as far as I did, then waiting for another to get me back home. That’s not counting my morning crunch – eating earlier than I wanted to, timing everything so I could get out the fucking door to make my connections, NOT writing to clear my head. Add all that in and the tally is 2.5 hours. Plus the pounding of my heart, the mantras repeated under my breath to get me out the door, the tightness in my shoulders since I woke up – all in all, a completely suck-ola way to start my day.

Heike may or may not get dumped on. I’ve already had that conversation with her while on the way back home. We’ll see if it’s still fresh and hot by Wednesday. 😈 I am sorely tempted to work on my tirade so I can get as much as possible into Dutch. Just for her. Since she had to nag me about it.

Hey! One place I could use ‘kontlikker’. Mmmmm. TEMPTing.

Well. Another check on my hated fucking calendar should right that attitude for this morning. Excuse me while I roll.

Pfft! Just looked back on my words. I hardly think – despite the sweet smoke now entering my lungs – that this is going to be a cure-all when I say things like ‘my hated fucking calendar’. Pretty obvious from some of the things said that I don’t like Heike. I want to SAY I haven’t made a decision on her, but I have, haven’t I? She’s been called a rainbow spewer and a twat. It would be more truthful of me to say I’m trying to not actively hate her.

I think I should tell her that.

*sigh* So the J is being smoked and my bro is up…Jokes are ensuing in the household. Nothing like a few early morning giggles with my bro to take the sting out of life for me.

Today – NOW, in fact, since it’s 9 a.m. – is the beginning of my first ‘work’ day. That means no games before my work is done. I’m focusing on housework and Dutch today. The weather is supposed to be bright later on, so I’ll squeeze in a walk and a visit to George as my mid-day ‘break’. I’m asking myself for focus. Smoking is not verboden. Dilly-dallying is. I’m moving forward and getting things done today. Or at least making the effort.

Yes, yes, and I must make my way to the hair dressers for an appointment. That’s part of it, too; trying to step up my personal appearance.

Just wrapping my head around this idea is tough…Right now, I’m discounting writing this blog as ‘work’, and I don’t want to do that. This is the place that I sort myself out, that I speak the truth – at least in writing. It’s important. I’m sure there are a million reasons to count it as a ‘hobby’ or ‘fun/play’. Several hundred thousand spring to mind. The only reason to count it as work is BECAUSE it’s my first truth tell, the first place I spew out whatever is happening in my brain. Ask me aloud in real life and I won’t give you the same answer – at least, not until I’ve done some writing. Since honesty is my first and primary goal right now, my blogging MUST fall into the work category for me. It isn’t always easy to face a blank page every day.

It isn’t easy to take my start-stop writing approach to my blog as work, either. Write a bit, think. Write a bit more, think. If I tried to write several posts a day that’s all I’d be doing. I’m not FAST at pinning down my spinning thoughts and emotions.

But, you know… writing isn’t typing. It requires a bit more cerebral effort.

*sigh* I can’t say at this point that I’m jumping for joy over today, but I’m no longer gnashing my teeth, either. And I STILL feel good for standing up for myself.

Who knows? Maybe Heike did me a favor. lol! I feel I should begin with an apology to her. She did not meet the real me last time. This time – now conveniently scheduled for Wednesday at 1 in the afternoon – she’ll hear more. She’ll get more from me. And I want her to get it all: both the full reason for why I’m seeking therapy AND my irritation over the cancellations. My lack of trust with her. My dislike of women in general. It’s all in my file; I know it is. I’ve read the report. But it’s up to ME to tell her. I think I’m ready to do that.

I’m ready to talk.