Ah, coffee. Got a friend who’s given up drinking coffee all together. Now he’s like a converted Christian, continually talking about the benefits of giving up caffeine and how it would be good for everyone to do so. It’s really quite annoying. I’m glad it’s helped with his temper and that he feels it’s been beneficial to his life. This is an online friendship, so he’s not in my face with it, but still I feel that veneer of patience wearing thin. Why is it when someone does something that’s tough to do they then go and try to get everyone around them to do it? Losing weight, quitting smoking, giving up caffeine. My goddess! Not everyone WANTS to give it up, man! Sorry that it’s tough for you to hear about my morning caramel coffee with whipped creme, but that doesn’t mean I’ll start drinking fennel tea for ya.

Okay, so I’m not using whipped creme anymore. I AM trying to stick to my slimming regime. I like that phrase so much better than ‘diet’. Everyone has a diet, even if it’s a lousy one. You want to lose weight? Change your diet to a slimming regime. Drop the extra calories, yadda yadda. It’s not fucking rocket science. Eat less and exercise more and eventually you’ll drop the weight. If you don’t, see a fucking doctor ’cause something’s wrong with you. My point is not to harangue you with ways to lose weight, it’s to emphasize the word difference. In America, it’s ‘diet’ – and by the way, so far America is the only place I’ve been that says ‘diet’. Everywhere else it’s low calorie, slimming, or something else. ‘Diet’ became a trigger word very early for me, and my first thought STILL is of depriving myself when I say it. So if you’re out there struggling with your ‘diet’, try using a different word or phrase for it for a week. It may take the sting out of the whole process for you.

Except, of course, for the hunger pains.

Oh yeah. Me got ’em bad. Not so much pain as just that all pervasive nagging of my body, telling me I’ve consumed less calories than I’m burning. Feels like I could eat the world. In my usual perverse-ness, I’m pleased about that. Burn that ass fat, baby! Get down and do another round of sit-ups. Make sure you feel it. Wake that body UP from years of sluggishness.

I AM eating. Don’t think I’m not. I’m not vomiting up my food, either. Ugh. I’ve never done that. It’s just two bites less at breakfast and dinner. NOT sitting and eating a chocolate muffin while films entertain me. No, I don’t eat lunch as a rule. But if I’ve really burned thru a lot and want something around noon, I don’t stint and hold back. I’ll eat a little something.

Maybe it’s my imagination, maybe I actually have lost a pound or two. Yesterday I went out to buy my lotto ticket and noticed that my coat, which usually is a bit tight around my hips, zipped up with extra ease like I had a few extra millimeters of room this time. WOOOOOOHOOOOO! I’ll celebrate even if it IS just my imagination – I need to celebrate right about now. I’m deep in the daily, minute to minute grind of this and I need to remember that my goal WILL manifest in my life if I continue.

If only personal progress was as easy to see as weight loss!

Experiencing weird time perceptions. I keep thinking how long this weekend of self indulgence is, how many hours I need to keep myself entertained during the day. Yet at the same time, the days have gone by fast and I woke up this morning realizing my appointment with Heike is tomorrow. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am, another week is charging towards me. How did all my belly button lint gathering fly by like that?

Happy to say I’ve made ONE firm decision over the weekend, and that’s to get an appointment for my hair. I’ve been staring at the silver lines coming out of my head..they’re the kind that if you try to look directly at them they don’t look grey but when they catch the light – silver. I also caught sight of some of the wispy hairs that grow on the nape of my neck….Completely white. *shudder* Saw them after a shower, stark white against the almost black of the rest of my hair. It made me wonder if I wasn’t acting a fool, continuing to color my hair and pretending like I don’t have any grey. So I dithered: to go grey or not to go grey. The vote is in; the proposal’s been vetoed. I want my glossy dark locks a bit longer. After all, I have the rest of my life to go grey.

Where is my head today? Fuck if I know. I put the handbrake on, and my head refuses to examine me at all before work begins on Monday. That’s perfectly fine. Today’s schedule includes more of the same for me: playing, watching some films, and chilling. Housework has even been promoted to full ‘work’ – something entirely new in my life. If half of my work day on Monday is seeing Heike and the other half is cleaning up the house, then so be it. That’s my work day. I’m gonna get this continual whipping of myself under control.

Yes. I guess that last grain of sand dropped thru my hourglass labeled ‘denial’ on THAT matter. During a few weekend messages back and forth with friends, someone said ‘you really are too hard are yourself’. Now, I’ve heard that all my life. From just about anyone who gets to know me beyond the surface. THIS time, however, it was just too much. It made me stop, completely. It made me look back over what I’d said to prompt that statement. And I saw it. The put down, the self blame, the casual BERATING I did to myself without thought.

That’s getting written down so I remember to share it tomorrow. It’s too big a thing in my life, and Ms. Rainbow Spewer better realize that if she keeps up with her cheerleading I WILL push ’til I explode. I do not need to learn how to nag at myself. I need to learn how to be easier with myself. I need to find that gentler, kinder me, and hold her close.


19 thoughts on “Close

  1. That’s the one thing I’ve got told all my life too, not my fault I had a lot of pressure put on me to be the very best from an early age. It gets to the point where you can’t even tell that you’re doing it, it’s like an inbuilt language in your head talk. Hopefully she will have a different attitude towards you because of what Yoda has said, they need to, it takes teamwork from all the parties to start achieving good results.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hope so, too. And I’m ready to tell her what I’ve told Yoda.

      Yeah, the in built feature in the way I think, plan, talk to myself…Very difficult to break. Difficult to SEE most days. *sigh* Well, it’s a concrete goal to work on, and I’ve got this feeling Heike would prefer to work on concrete goals with me..

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh yeah, I talked about my day just random conversation with one for 20 minutes and he told me back a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t realise I was doing. Don’t be worried you missed stuff, yoda would of seen it all.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I refuse to “diet”… and now I’m paying the price! BWAHAHAHA! I was always able to eat whatever I wanted – as much as I wanted – and never put on weight… But thanks to middle age, and Effexor, I’m packing on the pounds left, right, and centre!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I would have hated you for that when I was younger! lol! Not anymore. I’ve learned to accept my body and it’s rhythms. Or at least, I respect them; I understand what my body’s natural thing is to do, where it packs on weight, etc. I don’t like it, but I understand that’s just the way I am and some people find my body type very beautiful. That makes losing weight easier to face than when I was younger. When I was younger, I was trying to be a certain body type. Now, I’m trying to be the best I can be (ew. that sounds like an advert for the military). 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m not surprised that you’re hard on yourself. Isn’t that part of the perpetual to-and-fro of our existence with these illnesses that make us doubt what we should even eat for breakfast. As for the hair colour, go girl. Never let the grey win…as someone who started going grey at 20, I can say this with the utmost confidence.

    Liked by 2 people

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