Word of the day is sleep. Turns out it was a major word yesterday, too. Fell asleep several times while sitting with the tv on. AND slept thru til 6:30 this morning. Almost a normal night. I feel incredibly fucking tired despite all the rest.
I feel like I’ve shut down.
Having just read a post about depression that doesn’t manifest as suicidal, bump on the end of the world’s ass feelings, I ask myself: is this depression? Maybe. The docs will be quick to pull that word out – every single one of them has said DEPRESSION very clearly in about 2 minutes of talking to me. I also know I pushed yesterday, despite all my happy ‘feel good and let it happen’ talk in the morning.
- dishes (lots of them)
- made my bed
- took out garbage and recycling
- ran to the store for some needed items – twice
- saw George
- worked in the studio
While that list is in no way so large that most people couldn’t handle it, it was enough to exhaust me several times. Do a bit, sleep in the chair. Get up, do more. Sleep again. My feet were extra achy all damned day; it was methotrexate day, meaning the levels in my blood were as low as you’re gonna get all week long. So – rheumatoid arthritis flare up or depression? I don’t know. I’ve had both for so damned long, and both have been ignored for so damn long, I can’t tell the difference. Talk to my rheumatologist and say ‘exhaustion’ and she’ll poke my joints (not the good ones; my knees!) and talk about giving me another booster shot or upping my meds. Talk to my counselor and say ‘exhaustion’ and a whole other set of diagnoses come up, along with all sorts of advice and medicine options.
I. don’t know. WHAT this is.
I do know I want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I could go back to bed right now – despite the cup of coffee by my side – and drop off for several more hours. My feet still ache, as do several other areas in my body (some with reason; finally feeling my sit-ups).
Today also marks my one week of smoking as I please and trying to not let all the little checkmarks on my calendar bum me out. I’m supposed to start saying ‘no’ to myself today according to my own internal schedule. I don’t know that I will. I AM going to try. Maybe sleep will work in my favor for once. Maybe it’ll be like yesterday, working a bit then sleeping for a while. I might be able to smoke lighter if that’s the way it rolls, if I don’t get a SURGE of energy as soon as I take my seat in front of the tv.
*sigh* My first ‘no’ point. I want to roll, right now. I’m going to delay for 15 minutes.
..Damned difficult to find any words to write. All I can think about is watching the clock right now, ticking away the minutes. Usually when I write and need a moment to reflect, I’m sucking back on a J, chilling. Watching the rain outside my window doesn’t lend me quite the same relaxing effect.
12 minutes to go.
Been racking up charges on my chip card; traveling to my counseling sessions is a bit pricey with the swap onto the train. Oh, it’s €2 here and €2 there – but before my day is done, €8-9 has been eaten up on my card. My brain then clocks that up to an even ten euro, and suddenly I feel guilty for running down to see my counselor on a weekly basis. I’d better fucking cut back on my smoking, if just to pay for my travel expenses.
Stop talking about fucking smoking, woman. Can’t you think of anything else?
Well, there’s the news. It’s all bad. I could site the recent developments in the EU, the growing unrest over the refugee crisis, the strife and discontent between member states. Yep. Trying to avoid anything but headlines – just to keep up. That’s enough to bum me out most days anyway. I don’t need to read the fine print about the refugee center in Sweden where a 10 year old boy is getting repeatedly raped and the police (10 officers) were threatened when they entered to get some of the people in there out. Nope. Things are fucking OUT OF CONTROL. I’m in a safe spot, relatively. But chaos is churning all around, and I can’t help but think it’s only a matter of time before it spreads here. Add to that blurbs about ‘look out Europe; the terrorist threat is at an all time high’ shit and I feel pretty edgy most days. It’s like everyone here is expecting it. No one wants it to happen (except the terrorists, of course). I ponder the idea of another world war. Beginning to see very sharp right wing political parties pick up speed and membership. Perhaps more than anything, that scares me. Makes me wonder if the spirit of Anne Frank is haunting her house in Amsterdam now, wringing her hands and moaning because IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. It sure as hell feels like it.
Goose-stepping hard liners. Will we see it again? We’re very close. Very. close.
Oh yes! By all MEANS, please continue to stop smoking, Beeps, and carry on with this thrilling goddamn political commentary because it’s so goddamn CHEERY. You gonna tell us where the first nuke will be dropped? It won’t be dropped, it’ll be set off. And it’ll be a dirty bomb.
Oh, the sweet, sweet smell of bud. Thank the fucking goddess. Put that doomsayer Cassandra to sleep. She makes me and everyone else uncomfortable. She also has a tendency to be correct, so, you know. Take her words for what they are.
On the road to 5 Js today. My loose time schedule is 8 a.m., 11 a.m., 3 p.m., 6 p.m., and 8 p.m. Those are roughly my ‘anchor’ times, without the 5 a.m. can’t sleep joint. I’ll start there. Het is een goede plaats om te beginnen.