Oh fuck. The page is fucking empty, and so is my head.
Had my morning swim today. Never fell into my pace. I did manage about a quarter length of full out front crawl, which I haven’t been able to do up to this point. Damn! You move fast with that stroke. I also pooped myself out with it, gasping at the end of the lane to catch my breath. But I never hit that I’m there feel, that easy up and down I can just do all day long.
If life is made up of details, I have a lot of life to live today. Little shit. Garbage, recycling. Dishes. Pick this up, put that away. Drill my Dutch verbs. Get my bed made. Listen and record the song I’ve been working on. Try to write up what I need to say to the doc on Friday. Try to write up a note to the swimming pool about people who don’t shower. Take my pills, do my abdominals. Clean up the floor BEFORE doing my abdominals. You know – life.
There’s often a however for me. Today’s however didn’t surface in my brain until just a few minutes ago, while popping out a message on my email.
My uncle sent me one of his bulk email things. He often does it; when he finds something interesting while surfing the net, he’ll ping it out to everyone in his email circle, myself included. This was a thing on Thomas Jefferson. It listed off each of Jefferson’s accomplishments and the age he achieved them. Then it had several quotes from Jefferson. That’s where I stopped. Because hidden in the quotes, as so often is in these bulk messages from my uncle, was a statement that no government should ‘take away from those willing to work and give to those unwilling to work’. In other words, no welfare or subsidized help for anyone.
What can I say? This is the guy who posted and protested any public health care while AT THE SAME TIME knowing many of his family members – his sister included – could barely make ends meet. This is also the man who leant me money when I so desperately needed it last year.
I’m just shaking my head.
But I need to bring it up because it is a fresh reminder of precisely what my family puts me through. They make strong statements that are obviously against helping anyone like myself – thereby making me feel triple guilty for having to ask them for help in the first place.
Not me; I am NOT the sicko here. At least I’ve come that far; I can recognize that this is their thing, not mine. It DOES rub me the wrong way, even when I know what’s going on. And it makes it damned difficult to hold my tongue. It also makes it damned difficult for me to ask for help in the first place.
I almost want to get up and give myself a cheer right now, because despite all the difficulty I have I’ve asked for help. I’m on my way. I’ve cleared this hurdle, tho it’s still a bitch and I wish they’d just take it out of my obstacle course.
But you can’t expect other people to change. Or at least, you can’t expect them to change the way you want them to.
Oh, well done me! Well done for recognizing that, for REALIZING that. One less finger gripping that angst…
Time for me to celebrate. What do I want to do today? First thing is to turn off extraneous chaos. My brother put some jazz on when he left the room. Usually a good choice while I putter. NOT a good choice when I need to listen to my own head. Too chaotic. Give me a little quiet. Aaaaah!….
I want to see George. He was being a duck slut yesterday, receiving bread from some nobody as I walked by. I felt very put out, and I demand my session with Doctor Duck today. I also want to get my mix out of the studio today. I need to hear it on my iPod. Soak it in. I also want to annoy my neighbor a bit, who’s been too loud lately. Let ’em hear what REAL loud sounds like – complete with throbbing bass drum. YUMMY!
…Mostly today, I want to laugh. Take time for whatever. Just take the time. No rushing. No need to rush. The dishes and dust bunnies and Dutch homework aren’t going anywhere. But today! There’s only one of those. It’s precious. The sun will never shine in quite the same manner, the birds will never sing the exact same melodious song as they will today. I want to taste that, fully. Remember it. Enjoy it. Stock up on a few good memories right now.
Something else wants to be birthed. I’m sitting on another song…I can feel it. I can also feel it’s a piano thing, not a groove box thing. Interesting. Those are ALWAYS interesting for me. My groove box songs tend to drone on a killer 4 measure bit. My piano songs move everywhere. Bleeding everywhere. Last one I wrote holds 7 out of the 8 chords you could put in a Western musical scale. All in a pat 3 minute song. And it came with the lyrics. Just – BAM! It was there in about 10 minutes. I don’t expect that again. But then, I don’t EVER expect anything when I approach a piano. I just lay my hands on, close my eyes, and let my subconscious take over.
What an adventure awaits for me today! My compass has found true North. Somehow through the muddle that was, I stand clear today. Focused. The kaleidoscope has shifted, and the new pattern is breathtaking.