Victory?

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Hello? Are you there? Are you reading this? Really? Because I ain’t heard from you in fucking forever. I’ve got to address something that’s been bugging me and damn the consequences. Let’s see if I can put this succinctly.

There is a line surrounding me. It’s invisible, but it’s there. It’s my ‘let you in’ line. Once you worm your way past my defenses and reach it, you’re in. I consider you a friend. Doesn’t matter if our communication is purely online; if you’ve crossed the line, you’re a buddy. Not many people make it past my mine fields, so IF you make it I’ll be a fierce friend, defending you and keeping you close for life.

Recently, though, I’ve been feeling betrayed. One such person I let in has now dropped all communication with me. I’m fairly sure I know why: I let her in too close, she couldn’t handle it, and she flipped out. When I say ‘it’, I mean my artwork. Yep. She heard my music and either (1) hated it so much that she felt she could never say anything again to me or (2) it scared the living shit out of her which then led her to feel that she could never say anything again to me. Don’t know. All I know is I got chicken feathers to wipe up in my personal fucking space.

That happens to me. Don’t know if it happens to other people. Don’t know if Britney Spears ever had someone blow her off just because they didn’t like her music. Maybe. Probably not. Money and fame like Britney’s can buy a lot of loyalty. Or at least a lot of sucking up.

And NO, it’s not you, Kim. Or you, Lola. Please don’t think it is.

My friend Blah (a REAL friend, who responds to my crazy 4 a.m. messages with quirky little comebacks that make me laugh) tells me not to worry. That this phenomena – hot then cold running messages – is something the tribe does. I’m not so sure. Because other people have done this to me.

Shall I count them? Let’s see….I’d guess the tally around 30 something, at a minimum; those are just the ones I know about. I’m sure there’s plenty of others who never even bothered to try and talk to me in the first place, who just thought ‘she sucks’ and then turned away.

Here’s what’s really turning my crank, though. I didn’t SHOVE my stuff on her, she asked. As usual. I don’t shove my music full stop. Most of the fucking time I won’t even talk about it. But when you take the fucking time to fucking ASK me and then say nothing, I have only one reply: fuck you, and the horse you rode in on.

Fuck you for your gutless reaction. Fuck you for not being able to be honest with me. Fuck you for pretending to be my friend, then saying nothing to me for fucking months. You’re a gutless wonder, the wonder being why so many people continue to follow your blog and get fooled that the person behind it really has ANY balls whatsoever. Cursing online doesn’t make you fucking brave.

I really don’t think it would have been so fucking difficult to say ‘gee, you’ve got a lot of stuff but I didn’t hear anything that I really liked’. See? Not so fucking difficult. I think you could have fucking managed some fucking version of it.

The very worst of all this is I’m kicking myself. Hard. Should have NEVER believed anything. Should have NEVER let the links to my work out. Never, ever, ever. I guess if you don’t stumble on my artwork and fucking SURVIVE hearing it – despite how low grade and stupid it is – you should never even KNOW I do anything. Goddamn mother fucking bullshit! AAAARRRRGH!

Okay, so I’m being triggered. So would you if you were standing in my shoes.

My fucking irritation is ramped up today. Paradoxically, I slept in ’til 6:30. Like, get me rested and then I’m strong enough to let my anger out. Goddamn. No fucking wonder I keep myself on the skinny with sleep if THIS is what fucking happens when I get a few more fucking hours of fucking rest.

Been irritated since my first counseling appointment if I’m honest. That irritation has just been growing and spreading. I guess my subconscious won’t let go of the idea that I didn’t speak up for myself, even though I’ve made concrete plans to take control of the situation. I’m fucking irritated with the entire goddamn world. Or maybe it’s just hypomania. Or any of the other rainbow colors of mental un-health that they’re gonna slap on me and focus on.

Didn’t help that yesterday I kept watching the clock as I worked in the studio. I ended up doing editing work – taxing shit that takes patience. As you may be able to tell, my supply of patience is running low right now (and it’s getting fucking lower with each and every goddamn fucking typo I make!!!!!!). Only got half way through what I need to do. Didn’t feel good about that, but I shut down anyway. Doing a half assed job on what I need to do just because I’m fucking antsy won’t cut it. Not on this stuff.

What I DID do was make dinner and clean up the dishes. Playing chef for the night was fun, tho I kept apologizing so much for the dish I made because it wasn’t perfect that my bro ended up making fun of me over it. That’s fine; he made me laugh at myself. And he thanked me profusely for my time and efforts, even going back at 8 to grab a sandwich from the left overs. That made me feel good, and like I want to give it a go again sometime soon. I also managed to run some errands earlier in the day, so despite my anger and irritation I made an effort.

I guess that’s a victory for me. Why doesn’t it feel that way?

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12 thoughts on “Victory?

  1. Indeed, fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

    And……….. Sorry I haven’t been corresponding lately! Kids still on holiday, so have been up to my eyeballs in entertaining kidlets – *sigh* – one more fucking week of this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lol! Of everyone out here, Lola, I know your workload best. You’ve got a life and a half to deal with outside of WP. As do others, even the person I’m referring to. Thanks for reminding me of that. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I could say something more comforting but I understand why you’re angry, I would be too. I hope that their reaction doesn’t stop you from doing it, or even, feeling bad about what you create. Because the way I see it, there’s no such thing is good or bad when it comes to art or music, it’s just how it’s interpreted. But I don’t see that happening with you. Nothing feels like a victory when someone’s fucked with your head.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Kim. I’m happy to meet someone with the same attitude I have about art (any art other than my own, of course): it’s neither good nor bad, it just is. Either you connect with it or you don’t.

      I don’t know…maybe that’s just the way it is for artists. People look and see my art/myself as inseparable – which I guess it is. And I guess if my art doesn’t connect with them they think we won’t be able to on a personal level. But that negates all the correspondence and connections made up TO that point.

      HA! THERE it is. Thanks, Kim. I’m pissed because this behavior puts our previous interactions and connections into question. Makes me feel like none of it was real, that it was all a sham. My head’s gone into the past and stamped all of that with ‘INVALID’, and it feels ugly.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I get that way a lot too, because when I think someone’s close I would protect and defend with my life because that’s who I am, so when it feels like the other person doesn’t even care it’s soul crushing. I start questioning myself as a person. And as for other people’s art, if they want to share it with me then I’m going to say exactly what I think. And if I’m asking to see it, it’s because I believe that it will be worthwhile because when you think someone’s cool, the shit they make is most likely going to be cool too, cool because it’s unique to them. If I share mine I’d expect the same, I hate false positivity but at the same time no response is worse because it’s like it’s not even worth the effort to be either loved or critisised. All I can say to that is that sounds pretty chicken shit on their behalf, say you don’t like it but fuck, don’t leave me hanging.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. THANK you! Alucardeverlasting said the same thing and it helps me so much to hear that.

        I know the silent reaction is a trigger for me. It’s what the whole fucking family did to me. Being a trigger for me doesn’t mean it doesn’t SUCK, though.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s a trigger for me too, by all means fucking scream at me, I’d rather that then being ignored. I’d rather know, good or bad what they think, saying nothing leaves me to pick myself apart and jump to all sorts of crazy conclusions.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on” XD XD XD

    Oh the person above me quoted the same thing. Well, I love that saying so I guess I’ll quote it a second time.

    The fact that she asked you about your music means, I’m guessing, she knows it’s important to you. The fact that she didn’t even have a response to it is pretty messed up. At the very freakin’ least send an emoticon, something that indicates hey, I heard it and I liked it or I didn’t like it or eh, I’m iffy about it or whatever. Or a “I haven’t listened to it yet”. I’m also cautious about who I let see my art, a.k.a short stories and such which is why I don’t post them on my blog; I always want criticism, good criticism, from people who aren’t afraid to tell the truth constructively. I’ve had a couple never respond back, after asking for a sample, and I’m still pissed off about it.

    At least you got errands done, the day wasn’t wasted despite all that other B.S 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! It feels good to know that I’m not way the fuck out of line on my reaction, that it DOES really suck. Helps me to move forward with what I need to do. ❤

      lol! And glad you guys like the saying! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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