Wait! Could it be?!? Is that really a smile followed up by a laugh on my lips at 04:52 this morning? Yes, it is. Unfortunately, it comes at the expense of someone else – who shall remain nameless for now. I’m in the depth of schadenfreude, and giggling like a schoolgirl. Isn’t there a special term for feeling shame over schadenfreude? You’d think there would be some 47 character word strung together for that. If so, I’ve not learned it yet. I should look it up.
I question why I feel shame over this. Is it really shame, or do I just feel like I SHOULD be ashamed? Haven’t countless tales been spun with glee, depicting the mean guy or bully getting his comeuppance? Don’t we all cheer for that? I know I do. Here’s a tiny little sample of it in my real life and I can’t enjoy it without beating myself up over it, telling myself what a horrible fucking person I am for enjoying someone else’s misfortune. Not like the films at all.
Well. Let the karma fall like you’ve earned it. I’ll leave it at that. No – wait. I’ll take one more look and one more giggle before I move on….
Even prepared for it, my face crinkled up in a fast smile. If that makes me mean and petty, then slap my fanny and call me Susan.
Very funny. Sometimes I wish I could pull a machine gun on the peanut gallery in my head. Just tell them to shut the fuck up – or else.
*sigh* This is my sleep in today. Tried to program myself for a long snooze last night. Assured myself there was no fucking reason in the world to wake up before 8 a.m. Of course I was awake at 4 and out of bed by half past. Goddess forbid I should actually be RESTED. Ho-ly hell. This is me on no sleep and a lot of marijuana. Can you imagine me rested and sober? Fuck, people. Put up a giant hummingbird feeder; I’ll fucking need it. And get your motion detection cameras ready for my fly-by. You’re gonna want to slow it down, unless you enjoy looking at a blur.
Should I be concerned that it’s so fucking easy to see the 5 a.m. slot on my checklist/calendar -even in the semi-dark – because that’s the time I’ve been checking consistently each and every morning since this started?
Actually woke up hungry this morning, my appetite a sharp pull in my belly. I’m doing what I shouldn’t do: having coffee and my first J as I write (oh, fuck you, Heike; writing and smoking just go together for fuck’s sake) rather than making my oatmeal. Naughty me. But I’m an old hand at skipping meals; delaying brekkie for a few hours barely registers on my shame-o-meter. Besides, I have this crazy idea that every hour I stay hungry is a few more calories burned. By my own insane internal fat burning monitor, if I stay hungry for the next 3,759 hours I can get down to the size I want to be. Kidding. Kind of.
Vrijdag. Literally, free day. A day the stores are open long hours to make mass consumption all the easier. I’m scheduled to step out into it, to do what the day was designed for – shop. Didn’t start that way; last night I was telling Blah I’ll probably get back to my new song today. Then circumstance intervened, as it so often does in my life.
My bro came back from kickboxing exhausted, as he always is after a session. I’d already popped down to the supermarkt to buy more bottled water (don’t get into it with me on bottled water; I lived thru the first cryptosporidium outbreak in the states), which was one more thing than I’d figured on doing yesterday. When he got ready to roll, he noticed the state of the drawer (yes, I have an entire drawer dedicated to smoking in my living room). All the pretty little baggies were looking flat and deflated – kind of like Kate Moss (Ooooo! Burn on Kate Moss.). I said no problem, yes we’d probably be out for my morning toke but hey! I’m supposed to quit anyway and waiting a few hours wouldn’t kill me. I volunteered to head out this morning to purchase. Then I inflated the entire thing, deciding on the spur of the moment to go out shopping as well. Been needing a new bra for – what? Six months now? That list grew to include new undies all around, new conditioner for my hair, and a new facial lotion. Good. Set. Decided. Going shopping? Yes. You really mean it? Yes, absolutely. I guess that’s what my bro really wanted to hear, because as I said goodnight to him he told me he was going to take the metro down and buy some more smoke so I could have my usual spliff in the a.m.
Don’t get me wrong. I have extra cash to buy more smoke today. Both of us are working on new music, and neither wants to have to run every other day. So we’re stockpiling.
With the utter necessity of getting more smoke in the house gone, I find my day focused more on shopping. Not a great thing to be happening at this time of day. Nothing opens for hours and hours. Which is WHY I was supposed to sleep in today, get some fucking rest. To go out THERE into crowds and shops and all that Dutch and be able to DEAL.
Odd fact: I’m right handed – for most things. One thing I don’t do with my right hand is deal cards. I do that with my left – and it’s far more adept at it. Never noticed it myself; it was my dad who pointed it out to me.
So. Contrary to everything, I AM headed out there today. No rest? Okay. Already smoked too much? Oh, hell! I’m used to that. I’ll take it as it’s given to me. After all, I DO deal from the left.