First came sound. Then came noise. Then came music.
It’s been long enough since I turned on my musical equipment that I’d forgotten anything I had already written in my free unit section. An hour into puttering on an 8 measure thing that I started purely to get my angst out, and I realized the damn song wasn’t going to go anywhere or work in any manner other than an obnoxious noise piece. I left it, like I do when I feel I don’t know where to take what I’ve just written, and dialed down the line to find a couple of mysterious units that had something already on them. What’s this? A gem that I’d written, not known what to do with at the time, and left for my future self to sort out. And what a gem it is. Took another 2 hours of puttering to grow the song, but it’s so strong that before I finished, lyrics were coming. I’ve got the chorus and about half the verses.
Anytime I punch through malaise like that you’ll find me smiling. Yesterday I smiled a lot, listened over and over again, stopped the music and scratched out lines of lyrics, grooved on the bass. The entire experience left me light as a feather, even though the song is pretty angsty lyrically.
All the stops got pulled out for dinner last night. Some frozen venison was thawed and basted in my homemade blackberry wine vinegar, onions, and garlic. I hovered around the stove and made my special pan fried potatoes. Tricky little bastards to get right, but when you do they’re like super thick french fries with a light crispy crust and mashed potato inside. With a side of green beans served up on my square plates (I LOVE square plates!) it felt like we were sitting down to a gourmet meal at a fancy restaurant.
Conversation was in Dutch. We’ve been having hail, or as I call it, mini snow ball showers, and we’ve just learned the Dutch word for snow. So my bro and I stumbled through a hilarious half hour talking about how many snow balls it takes to make a snow man, and contemplating whether or not the electronic fish in my computer game poop. Yes, poop. Another early word we’ve learned. We make use of what we know, however simple. It gets weird. 😉
George has been on my mind, and I must go and see him today. Poor little duck! Probably cold as all hell in that canal. We’ve finally got a break in the rain, but the temp has dropped through the floor. It’s below zero at night, and barely above during the day. You can’t tell in the apartment; the people below us must have cranked their heat up because I sure didn’t need to. It’s quite comfortable here, and that’s millions of miles away from Ireland where we once spent €1000 in a MONTH on heating oil and froze our balls off (yes, I have balls too – metaphorically). Heating a cave is very uneconomical. But poor little George is just out there. I know his feathers and fat protect him. I know he’s built for it. I still want to knit him a little hat and scarf (and he’d look ADORABLE with a little hat and scarf!).
Monday again. Reset and time to get busy. I need to make a phone call to my rheumatologist to get more medicine. I’ve got to step up and take care of a few things, like figuring out how to access my bank info online and activate my card. Bleh. All I really want to do is turn my equipment on and find out if there’s more music in me somewhere. There’s a good side and a bad side to doing what I do. The good side was yesterday: it got me out of my nasty angry mood into smiles and laughter. The bad side is today: I’m slightly obsessed with sound, and doing anything else feels like a petty distraction. Here’s where my determination to do things better comes in. Getting lost in projects can be deeply satisfying in the artistic sense. Usually not so good in any other sense. I have to be reminded to do things like eat a meal or stop working for the night. And it’s difficult to do those things, even with my brother telling me to. So no deep plunge first thing today. Get dishes done, get the phone call in, try to deal with the bank, see George. Then my afternoon can be spent in headphones.
Happy to say that’s exactly where my brain is sitting – today. Now. In the present. No flashbacks, no future suppositions. Nothing exists for me but Monday and the activities I’ll do today. It’s refreshing to be free of those shackles. It’s been refreshing to be able to sleep so well! Two days of solid, full body I don’t wake up at 4 a.m. like a knee jerk reaction sleep. Keep this up and the dark circles under my eyes might fade away.
That would be cool. No more dark circles under my eyes. No more waking up on too little sleep. No more aches and pains so prevalent in my body that I block them out and don’t even register them as pain anymore. Each day laid out, sparkling and clean, with tasks to do. Each day, greeted with a smile and a feeling that I can handle what’s asked of me.
I’m growing into it. Langzaam maar zeker (slowly but surely).