Forged Anew

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Happy New Year!!! Or as the Dutch say (and it bears writing down, because the first few years I felt like I was gonna spit on everyone), Gelukkig nieuwjaar! I can now say that phrase properly, and without anyone getting sprayed in the face.

Tonight the war takes place. Fireworks will start going off by 6 p.m., even tho everyone is supposed to wait until midnight. But here, every HOUR we have fireworks, to celebrate each time zone passing into 2016. That, and every kid has to prove they’ve got just as cool fireworks as the block over. One boom goes off and then more follow. It’s almost like they’re playing telephone with explosives. Boom! I’m over here and I got cool fireworks. Boom! Boom! We’re here and WE’VE got cool fireworks, too, maybe more than you. Boom! Oh, yeah? Think so? Boom! Boom! You betcha! Wanna face off? – And so on and so on. When midnight comes…well, my sympathies go out to the refugees in the area; anyone with shell shock is gonna get triggered tonight.

I set my own triggers to rest yesterday, and replied to my aunt’s message. She gets a full three sentences: Thank you for the holiday wishes and your concern. The last year has been tough. Hope your New Years is safe and happy. That was it. I almost added that I now finally have the support I need to move forward with my life, but I thought that might be a bit too much and ASKING for trouble, so I deleted it. Neutral. I wanted a completely beige reply, nothing emotional, nothing forthcoming, and three sentences does that well. She can send that out to everyone in the family, including SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED. Doesn’t say jack shit about me. My uncle got more info and a warmer reply, as he’s merited it. If he chooses to send that out to everyone and share my personal message to him, that’s his business AND his karma. I was careful to keep his message…well, less like I write here and more like I wrote years ago. It’s a little stiff. I would have liked to let loose with a few curses here and there, but I didn’t. Figured it wouldn’t be appreciated right now. My family has been estranged from me so long anything like that could be taken the wrong way. They’d read it as me being out of control, rather than me being honest. I just don’t need to give them anything else to use against me.

For my body, I rested. Slept to Oz the Great and Powerful yesterday, a sad film if there ever was one. I like Raimi as a director – he’s got a fucking GREAT eye. I even got past James Franco in the lead and the massive CGI/green screen tricks. I could NOT get over Mila Kunis as the Wicked Witch of the West. Fucking awful goddamn choice, ruined the entire thing. All I heard was her whining bitch of a character from That 70s Show. She couldn’t even do the fucking laugh – it was tricked out with multiple special effects to give it SOMETHING of an oomph. Bottom line: I did this role when I was 13 and did it FAR better than what I witnessed. Boo. Boo a million times over.

But it was okay to sleep to.

Got some fresh air and sunshine, too. As I was headed out, my brother smiled and said, “Go and get your appetite ready for pizza tonight”. Goddess bless him. He knows my weakness for pizza and even tho he doesn’t share it on the same level, he indulges me regularly. Found a 3 for 2 coupon, so we ordered an extra pizza just for leftovers. Yum. I swapped back and forth last night from my New York Pizza (pepperoni, olives, onions, ham, peppers, pineapple) to a Chicken Polo (chicken, feta, broccoli, onions) and thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Best part of the entire pizza experience here is that I order online and in half an hour get a fresh, hot pizza delivered right to my door. No phone orders, no stress. Sign in and ask for exactly what I want. Bloody wonderful service. You can get just about anything delivered to your door here in NL – all online. I know; that type of thing is no doubt plentiful around the world. I’m still getting over 14 years in the back ass of nowhere. Home delivery and online ordering are modern age wonders.

My stress headache finally loosened up and my head is pain free this morning. I’ve done all this with no little Ativan chips. Figured I got thru my appointment, now I need to re-establish my balance without the pills. Still have a few, just in case, and it’s not like my bro is stingy with them. But I’d prefer to do this without popping someone else’s prescription pills. Even in small amounts.

So I’m back in the driver’s seat. Beep, beep, get the fuck out of my way. I’m comin’ thru. Hell, I feel calm enough to go out and work on Dutch today. That’s saying a lot. 2016 is falling into place and not looking so fucking terrifying. I’m getting past this cycle without falling into all day crying sessions. That’s a huge step forward over last year. I’ve been receiving rejections on my writing and all it brings up is that the publishers are mad for not taking my stories, not that I’m shit or my writing is shit. Somehow out of all the goo I’ve been, I’m getting moulded into something else. Something stronger. I’m not sure when the secret ingredient got added to the cauldron. It just snuck in there, between my words and my tears. I’m getting forged anew, and it feels good.

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8 thoughts on “Forged Anew

  1. I still shit myself when I hear fireworks going off here. My standard reaction is, “Is that gun shots?” – wide eyed and terrified… My husband responds calmly (and I want to kill him) “No, its just fireworks” – how can he be so calm?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s what I’m concerned about tonight. It gets LOUD and doesn’t stop for half an hour at midnight. I like it, but I’m not such a boob as to think everyone is gonna have fun tonight.

      Liked by 1 person

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