Unwanted Gift

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Merry Xmas and all that. I got an unexpected something in my inbox this morning. A message from my aunt, whom I’ve not spoken/written to since my sister sent out a message to the extended family telling them all I was insane, a drug addict, a liar, a cheat, etc. Haven’t heard from my aunt in at least a year. Now I have a message telling me she heard from my uncle, her brother, that I’ve been feeling depressed (wrote to my uncle last night; have a reply from him, too). Uh. This is my mother’s family. It’s more than a little difficult to not say ‘Oi! It’s your sister’s fault. She was a bitch.’ It’s more than a little difficult to not say anything about my sibling’s blatant problems, or the problems that run in the family line. But, you know. Xmas and all that. No need to bring up bad feelings. I guess.

Wow. Two family members reaching out to me. I’ll sidestep all the possible darker motives they may have, including just catching up on gossip to go and spread to everyone. All those bad things could be true; I have no proof either way. But I don’t want to be a sceptic. I want to believe they actually care, and that’s why they’ve written. My note last night was the first time I think I used ‘depression’ in my language. I didn’t have the guts to say ‘bipolar’ or anything else; didn’t feel they’d understand. But depression? They’d understand that. As long as they don’t have to deal with the day to day grind of it. Long distance depression has it’s advantages – none of those phrases you can’t stand to hear uttered out loud. Worst I have to do is read shit like that.

*sigh* I’ll answer them later. My uncle is a peach; it’s my aunt I’m not sure how to approach. I really felt abandoned by her, shed many tears over not hearing from her for so long. We never wrote each other on a schedule, it was very casual. But we always got back to each other, always kept the conversation going or, if it had lagged too long, began a new conversation as a catch up. That stopped after my sister’s message. I’d written a note to my aunt and then my sister’s tirade came into play. After that, silence. I wrote one short, scared note asking if my aunt had received that message. She replied that yes, she had (as had everyone else) but not to worry, no one thought worse of me for it. Then nothing. No reply to our conversation, no pick up of a new topic. For over a year. Now this. Thinking back on it just reminds me of HOW hurt I was. And not just over the lack of response to my communication, but over the phrase ‘no one thinks worse of you’ like they already thought me such a piece of shit nothing could lower their expectations more.

I want my brother up so I can talk to him about this. He lived it with me: getting the message from my sister, discovering she’d sent blind copies out to the extended family, the long silence from everyone, my hopelessness and depression over losing my connections. Today’s the first day I’m happy his new medication cycle demands he gets up by 9 a.m. to take his first pill. I don’t have to wait ’til noon before he’s up. He always sees things I don’t, always points out something I’ve missed and gives me good advice.

My hands and mind are itching to write a scathing reply. Throw guilt out like I was taught to do so well: I was under the impression that you no longer wanted to talk to me. Despite your words, it seemed you did take what K said about me to heart. It’s been more than a year. Now you tell me that you love me? That’s a bit pat, isn’t it? Maybe it’s Christmas, but we’re not big Christians, so what exactly are you doing? Feeling lonely? Or just gathering new evidence to pass along to my sister? Because I hardly think that bitch has left me alone. I think she seethes a bit every time she see the block I put on her on FB. I think she’s dying to know how badly I’m doing, so she can gloat and feel superior. And I think she’s couched all of that in gentle language, telling you she’s sorry for what she did and she’s really worried about me. That’s all a lie; she’s not sorry and she’s not worried. She wants fuel to feed her hatred of me, and any new news is fuel. I do not want her to know a thing. She doesn’t deserve to know I’m living in Rotterdam, or that I changed my hair color, or that I’m suffering from depression. Tell her I’m dead. She’s dead to me. Or if she isn’t, she should be.

Some days seem made to set you up for a crappy time. I’m betting today is one of those days. So I’m flipping the bird to the world and taking an Ativan chip NOW. There. Get down there with coffee and joint smoke. Do your fucking job. I am not. gonna allow myself. to get. wound. up.

This gift was NOT on my list to Santa. He must be getting senile to think I’d open this with anything other than suspicion.

Man! I’d take that unwanted gift of socks over this any day of the week. Socks are useful, even if they do feel like an anti-climax when you take the wrapping off. This is just ookey – a little icky with a lot of ‘ooo’ like you got punched in the stomach.  And no return queue for this. I don’t have a receipt.

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8 thoughts on “Unwanted Gift

  1. You’ll have to blog your bro’s advice too now. I hope it’s a simple and good thing and that her gap in mailing you was just one of those busy life things, or something. I’m kinda anxious for you to get a good psychiatrist on your team so that you can find the right meds. I’m having a similar morning to you perhaps – cigarettes and sulpuride for me though.

    Happy fucken Xmas beep.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Medication would be good. Funny how every day right now is making me more and more pleased I’ve that appointment coming up.

      My bro doesn’t quite know what to make of it, either. He agrees I should just wait to say anything rather than say something too quick. The merry go round continues; I have NEW emails to fend off today. Oh, happy, happy, NOT!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ha! I said pleased, not glad, and used that specifically. I’m not glad. At all. I’m not glad that I need help in the first place. But I recognize I need it, so some part of me is pleased ’cause I’m tired of being stuck.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have hardcore mail / inbox anxiety. This is why. I relate much to this. I have certain people in my family who are like this: just waiting for news to gossip. Nothing as bad as your sister, yet or that I know of…

    Just reading your would-could-be response makes me see how shitty the situation is and how you have every right to question your aunt’s motives. Sometimes the holidays do stir up guilt, so maybe it could be genuine. Just be careful and watch out for yourself. People who disappear because of what others say, without confronting to form an opinion for themselves… Well, I have the same doubts as you.

    Sorry this happened. I don’t have socks, but I have ugly, hand-knit Christmas sweater. Expect it via pegacorn mail.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. lol! I’ll take the ugly hand-knit sweater. It’s getting chilly here. 🙂

      *sigh* I was under the impression I’d been doing pretty well regarding my family stuff. That was only because they were contacting me via a secondary email. Now that it’s back in my face it feels like a real violation, and every morning is a new slap. I’m gonna need all the support I can get to remember that THEY have the problem, not me. Triggers, triggers, everywhere. Start your day with a big dose of paranoia. Awful.

      I’d like the Island of Bipolar to officially declare war on my sister. We could send in the Spork Cavalry on Pegacorns.

      Like

  3. Hey, I got socks and I love them 😉

    Sorry your day was shitty.

    If you were asking my advice, which I’m not sure you are, so feel free to ignore: give your aunt the benefit of the doubt. Pretend that she has nothing but good motives. BUT: it’s okay to tell her she hurt your feelings with the silence. If she truly wants to reopen your relationship, she’d have to own up to that one way or another and it sounds like she glossed over that part (and the apology she owes you). And be a little guarded with your answers – you can assume she has good motivations while still protecting yourself. If she proves, over time, that you can trust her, you can choose to open up more then.

    In any case: big hugs. Hope it gets better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Excellent advice, Jay. I don’t know that I’m up to telling her how hurt I felt. I don’t think I could do it well right now, and all I can imagine is bad fall-out. So I’m waiting until I can compose something that – as you say – acknowledges her but keeps me safe. Thanks much for your comment!

      Like

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