I’ve been riding the synthetic opiate horse for a day now. Damn, those things knock me out. I feel loopy in the brain, yet am still quite aware of my pain. Yeah, yeah, I made a rhyme. Everything from my head cold is now loose and coming out, so I’m coughing up (ow) and blowing out green goo. My day is shaping up to be…interesting.
My bro got a last minute call from his counseling center yesterday; suddenly he’s missing class today for an appointment. I’ve been practicing how to say it all in Dutch for when I go to class. I think I can do it with the right verb tense. As long as I keep my sentences simple. Even if I screw up, this teacher is SO much nicer than the last. I’ll get corrected with a smile, not a frown. People who frown shouldn’t be teachers. Ever.
Stayed true to my word yesterday and got up every hour to walk. I did it by avoiding my recliner; too big and cushiony. Get in that and I don’t want to get back up. Instead, I sat at my computer yesterday and played one hour trial games. It’s a good way to time myself without using an alarm clock. After an hour, the game kicks out and you gotta buy it to continue. So play, then walk. Play, then walk. Even got out of the house for a longer walk after dinner. Gentle stuff and I ain’t setting any speed records. But I’m walking. I’ll take it.
Been smoking more, of course. Shove pain through my body and smoking is an automatic knee jerk reaction from me. But the Js have got lighter and lighter out of respect for the Tramadol kicking my ass. Hell, I’m practically smoking cigarettes with straight tobacco. Well, ‘practically’ for me – which means they’re still joints, yes, just lighter.
I’m actually hoping I can stop taking the Tramadol by Saturday. For one, I don’t need another substance in my life that I can get addicted to. Fuck that! Pain killers are generally something I like to gobble when I got ’em. Really have to ride my ass on my consumption rate. For another, I’d like some heavy duty back up pain killers for when I wake up with pain from my RA. My hands have been getting steadily worse, as have my feet. So having a few extra pills around when I really can’t get comfortable would be a good idea. I just don’t want too many pills available, because as I’ve stated before – I’m always in pain somewhere in my body. I could justify living on pain killers. I don’t want that monkey.
Hope to get into the pool later, if I feel I can drag myself there and get into my suit. Of course, it’s Thursday, the one day the pool doesn’t have a recreational swim time. I’ll have to go during lane swimming and stick to the slow lane. Or the shallow kiddie pool. All I really want to do is get in the water and move. Maybe sit in the whirlpool for 20 minutes.
And then there’s Xmas. I’m never sure how to handle the holiday. While I enjoy the lights and decorations, I hate the entire Christian mythology behind it as a reason to persecute others. Yes, I know: the holiday is meant for caring and all that. Everybody take a day off from bombing and killing anyone not Christian and talk about loving each other. Hypocrites. I’m also entirely against shoving a VERY expensive holiday at people right at the end of the year. It’s like the 1% thought they’d make sure everybody was up to their eyeballs in debt at the end of each year so we’d be SURE to be good little slaves for the rest of the time. Can’t talk back; you need this job to pay off your debt. Want your Xmas to be merry? Then you’d better toe the line to get that holiday bonus. Fuck that. But it’s hard to say fuck off to Xmas; it’s everywhere. Stores, music, street decorations – just can’t get away from it. And I see it on people’s faces: the anticipation, the excitement and stress. Everyone sets themselves up for this picture perfect holiday even when they KNOW it’s not gonna go down like that. Man! I thought I had problems with expectations. This mass delusion that goes on every year is insane. Get together with people who drive you up the wall, eat and drink too much, overspend your budget, and receive a bunch of crappy gifts you’ll need to fight the crowds to exchange. Dat’s messed up.
I DO think I’ll indulge in a couple of wintery decorations this year. Lights are cool, no matter the reason, so I’d like to hang some in the windows to blink colored lights at me in the dark. And I want to make a winter wreath; something made from real pine branches so it brings that lovely smell into my home. No Santas or mangers, just pine cones and snow flakes. Bring back Winter Solstice celebrations. That’s what it’s all about: lighting up the darkest part of the year to remember that the sun is coming back and winter won’t last forever.
As the saying goes, nothing lasts forever. Not winter, not Xmas celebrations. The same goes for my current frustration and pain. It’s just a passing thing.