The Paint is Coming Off


I am full of rest and chicken soup. Still not healthy, but on my way. Just to make sure all of you love my bro even more, yes, he ran down to the store and bought fresh ingredients at noon so he could whip together a hearty soup for dinner. What a guy.

Films were on telly all day yesterday, whether or not my eyes were open for them. I’d recorded two Hitchcock films: M is for Murder and Rear Window. Something about 50s films that just sets me to sleep. Not only does the picture have that soft film look (I LIKE the soft film look, morons; don’t talk to me about HD this or that!) it also has the 50s soft audio compression. No hard edges of sound, no blaring horns or piercing screams or earth rumbling booms. It’s easy to sleep to, unlike modern films that have such tight compression everything has a high end tinge to it (brr! my ears hurt just thinking about that).

I tried some other films but couldn’t deal with the hate portrayed. Taken 2 got erased about 25 minutes into it. Really? You’re going to show an old man who doesn’t give a fuck that his son was selling human beings into slavery, just that he died and therefore deserves revenge not only on the man who pulled the trigger but also his entire family? I know there are people like that out there – they should all DIE, DIE, DIE – but I don’t want to see it. Gets me too angry. Gets me to the point where I’ll say something entirely unpopular and risk catching hell for it.

Every child in the world should be taken AWAY from their parents and raised in a group with proper supervision. One on one supervision, fine. But no one should know who they’ve given birth to. That way, you gotta treat EVERYONE well because you might be shitting on your son or daughter or mother or father. Yes, there are a few cases where the chemical imbalance in a person’s brain is so severe it causes extreme behavior, but for the most part, MONSTERS ARE MADE, not born.

Why exactly is it that we demand adoptive parents go through a rigorous screening process, but anyone can pop one out and not be questioned as to whether or not they’re capable of raising a child?!? What the fuck is that? Why do we allow this shitty behavior to be passed down generation after generation? We only allow it to spread that way – one parent can fuck up 10 goddamn kids for the rest of their fucking lives. Then they all go and have 10 fucking kids and by the time you know it, we have a fucking social epidemic on our hands.

And this attitude that the flesh of your flesh is more important or worthy than anyone else SIMPLY because you share DNA with them is fucking ludicrous. And don’t fucking come at me with ‘if you had kids you’d understand’. FUCK YOU! As far as I’m concerned, every human on this fucking planet is my child (whether or not I’m older than they are) because everything I do has the potential to fucking teach someone else something. I can pass on any of my views or beliefs to ANYONE, not just those of my own DNA. So you’re all my children. Even the assholes. And I say, get rid of the assholes. Or at least separate them from future generations so they don’t keep infecting hate over and over again.

Let’s face it. I think my sister and older brother in the states are both assholes, and I would be in the front firing line for both of them. DNA doesn’t matter; just get rid of them because they breed hate in themselves and other people. Put my nephew in there too; he’s a hate monger. Take HIS kid away – maybe that child is young enough to help. The rest aren’t.

*sigh* And I know. By doing that, I’d breed a different kind of hate. A hate of hate. I’m just so fucking frustrated!

Maybe coming from a family where my mom would have given me up in a nanosecond to save her husband makes me a bit cold and calculating about this subject. I like to think I could have done what I wanted to and been who I wanted to be if I hadn’t been under my mother’s control. I have not fulfilled my potential as a human being in this lifetime. I chose to cripple myself and do what I was told to do because I wanted so much to be loved, and I thought that was the only way. If only. If only I had been taken away and raised by someone else. Ah, with my luck it would have been some psychos. Or more psycho than what I dealt with in the first place.

Fuck it all. I’m on the tail end of life. You guys can fucking figure this one out for me.

Btw, yesterday’s count was 1.3 joints.

The count is coming down; the paint is coming off. I’m not a nice person underneath.



12 thoughts on “The Paint is Coming Off

  1. Oh I don’t know… I think you’re a kind hearted person. You’re hurting, and hurt can sometimes make us feel, think, and say hurtful things, but that is not who you ARE. Underneath all that paint that is peeling off, is the bare wall – exposed after stripping away all the protection you’ve applied over the years. Too much protection, and its bound to start peeling away.

    You’re doing a great job beginning to deal with your hurt. It takes time. You need to be gentle with yourself, and allow your natural inner beauty to re-bloom ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I think I’m a highly judgmental person. I don’t always share those judgments, but I have them. And underneath all the coping mechanisms is someone who’s really pissed off. Badly. Maybe forever. She wants to hurt everyone and be just as awful as anyone who ever hurt me. I don’t want to be her. I also don’t know how to NOT be her. I can’t see this process resulting in beauty of any kind, at least not right now. I know that’s just because of where I’m standing on the curve: can’t see beyond the horizon. Trying to not freak out too much. Trying really hard to not judge my own judgmental nature…a paradox, to be sure.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Ok. You don’t want to be her. That tells me that your behaviour (including your thoughts and your anger) do not match who you think you are as a person. The conflict between how you are and who you are cause you to feel and think these ways. They are perfectly natural reactions to the trauma you have been through in your life. It’s no wonder you feel the way you do! You have been through a LOT and the reason all that abuse you suffered hurts so much, is because YOU would never do that to anyone else, right?

        It’s the incongruence between who you really are deep down, under all those layers of paint, and how you react to your lived experiences – your coping mechanisms (which I suspect you are not too fond of) that frustrates you, because they don’t match. I can be just as judgemental as the next person when I’m in a bad space – but it’s not who I am. Accepting that, for me, is key. Learning to BE who I feel I am is the tricky bit, because all those layers of protective paint HAVE to come off. In other words, it’s going to get worse before your true self begins to surface. But once she does, she’ll be purified, radiant, and beautiful to behold. And when we slip back into the anger, hurt, judgement, and nastiness (because we will!), we need to recognise it for what it is, and learn to respond to it, rather than react to it. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head, but I’m not always very clear in my articulation of my thoughts!

        The important thing to remember, I think, is that what you are experiencing is to be expected considering all you have endured! It’s ok to feel this way. It’s ok to be hurt – you have reason to be. It’s ok to be angry – you have reason to be. It’s not ok to beat yourself up about what is a perfectly acceptable response to your experiences. And it’s not ok to hurt (innocent-ish) others, because that is also incongruent with who you REALLY are.

        It’s a process of discovery, as Bipolar First says. It really is. And it’s hard. But you will get there. You have my support, and the support of all your followers (and your bro, who sounds awesome!). You’re already doing a great job. When you figure out what you want to achieve in terms of BEING who you are, and how you are going to achieve that, the road gets a little easier. It’s the “how” you achieve that that you will have to figure out with your therapist, when you get one. And I just hope like hell you get a decent one who will explore what will work for you!

        Liked by 4 people

      2. Whew. I read this in my email last night and took time to ponder it. It’s hard to read some of your words; hits close to home, and I feel so undeserving of understanding and acceptance.

        I remember being hopeful. Being happy; a ray of sunshine with smiles and laughter for all when I was young. If I could be her, without the anxiety and bad memories that pull me down…well, life could be interesting. Maybe even fun. Life fun? Huh. That WOULD be new.

        Thanks for taking the time to write such an insightful comment. You’re gonna rock as a therapist. Any chance you want to practice in the EU? I’ll be your first client…

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I feel you Beeps. I feel you! I was the same as a young person. I don’t feel like that anymore, and would love to again!

        I promise, if I ever come to the Netherlands, I will come smoke a jay with you, and we can therapist each other 😜

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You know, I just had this conversation today. Monsters are made, yes. I remembering growing up with a racist neighbor. When all the kids on the block came out to play it was nice. We mostly got along. But this neighbor would call up his kids and PUNISH them for playing with those who even had olive undertones. He taught those kids to hate other races. And while people can argue that when you grow up you should “know better” that’s not quite true. Some people can’t see what they were taught to believe is wrong or warped; so they continue the pattern and pass it on, like DNA.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *sigh* Sadly true. Supposedly that’s what extremists do: they raise children in protected and controlled environments, mixing rewards and punishment to elicit the behavior they want in children. Hmm…that kind of just sound like parenting to me, but it can have such a negative impact when you see a child with a gun in their hand or hate on their face. And unfortunately, it’s happening each and every day, all around us. Even if parents aren’t blatantly teaching their prejudices to kids, kids pick up on it. And then yes, somehow magically at 16 or 18 or 21 – some number pulled out of a hat – everyone is supposed to be able to drop all that ingrained learning and be non-biased, non-prejudicial people. That’s bloody impossible, yet it’s expected.


  3. ha! My bro is Taken. Or let’s put it this way: if my bro is ever taken FROM me, I’ll go ballistic like the film to get him back. He’d do the same for me. 🙂 I understand why you’d want to borrow him. He might actually do you good: he’s an ex-military man and would probably whip your ass into shape pretty quick. You would NOT be able to get away with binging. Trust me. He’s got a way of staying true to his goals that’s so fucking inspiring it can cut thru any malaise of the soul.

    Liked by 1 person

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