One Hell of a Ride

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No birthday of mine is complete without a ‘shit! did that REALLY have to happen?’ and I just got the one for this year. My brother still in the states has left a birthday greeting plastered on my Facebook page telling the world I’m 50. My FB page has been 10 years light on my age since I began it; it was originally a marketing idea. So much for that. What a fucking idiot. I swear. The dude doesn’t talk to me for five fucking years and then he goes and does some stupid shit like that. I’ve half a mind to blast him, half a mind to let it go because he’s my idiot brother who just doesn’t know better. It makes me feel tired.

I’m also feeling a bit cynical this morning. After my deep depression last fall, I was determined to go out on social networks and tell everyone happy b-day on their day because even tho I was in the shit last year, reading the b-day greetings made me feel a little less horrible. So I did; I made a point of signing in and at least checking on birthday people. For all that, I got fewer b-day greetings this year than last. I would have thought maybe sharing the goodwill would bring it all around, you know? That putting out positive results in positive back. What a load of shit, at least in THIS instance. Exact opposite happened. So much for goodwill Beeps on social networks. I’ll happily go back to being a grumpy hermit.

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Yesterday, however, was good. I MADE it be good. Rain? I smiled; let it rain. Cold? I just bundled up under my coat and thought how fresh and brisk it felt. Other hiccups like getting the time wrong for the film? Ah, that just means we had time for a cup of coffee and a chat. I was determined to not let anything bring me down, to greet everything with a smile, and for 24 hours it worked.

Nice and easy when you’ve got a day of just fun stuff planned. Not so easy when you’ve got important tasks you need to do or appointments that you MUST make on time. I want drugs – a lot of them – to keep that shit up, but it IS possible. All that’s needed is time – lots and lots of that, ’cause all sorts of shit comes up to delay you – and patience, or a peculiar non-invested interest in all that goes on around you. Oh, really? That’s happening over my shoulder? Hm. Maybe I’ll turn around to look. In a minute. It’ll still be there. – No, it won’t, and you’ll probably miss it but you gotta ACT like it’s gonna be there forever. Or at least I do. As soon as my body starts to feel tight in any manner – I’m gonna be late, what’s that? where am I? – I lose my zen and freak out. I need one of those drugs that you could stand still and watch the blast of an atomic bomb coming at you and all you’d say would be ‘wow, look at all the colors’. That might work.

Today is my computer language class. I don’t want to go; I WANT to stay home and work on that new song I’m starting. But class isn’t about what I want to do, it’s about what I need to do. So I’ll go. For two hours I’ll sit and do something I could very well do in the comfort of my own home: work on the Dutch language program and read Dutch books. My head is sighing even THINKING about it. I’m having a hard time slowing down enough to read English thoroughly. Dutch is gonna be like pulling teeth.

And I’ve GOT to keep my phone by my side; I’m expecting another call from Addiction Central. Wednesday seems to be the only day anyone will make a phone call and if you don’t get the call when they dial you, you just gotta wait ’til next Wednesday. I’m done waiting. The b-day is over: I can come to your office and cry for the first 2-4 hour appointment. That’s all I was waiting for. Let’s do this.

And that’s just it: let’s do this. I want it over with. I want to be past it all already. I want their notebooks to be full of relevant info; I don’t want to have to go through it all AGAIN. *sigh* December’s gonna be one hell of a ride.

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13 thoughts on “One Hell of a Ride

  1. Hope you deleted your silly brother’s silly message. I’m so glad your birthday was good, they’re potentially one of the loneliest days of the year. My muddied memory and I have short circuited somewhere – what are you doing the addiction thing for? *shuffles off looking shamefaced*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No, I didn’t delete it. His comment was far enough down that it doesn’t show up unless you click on the comments link, and not many people did that. I thought about it. But, you know: he’s a dick. Always has been; I should have expected nothing less.

      Yikes. No reason to be shamefaced! I be going for addiction to marijuana, would you believe. They say it’s okay for me to smoke, just not every day all day. I’ve settled in around 5 joints a day, which is less than the 8 I was at, but still isn’t low enough to make them happy. And the help is free, supposedly. I have NO idea what that part of it will be. I’ve made up my mind to focus on my issues, not my addiction. I just call ’em Addiction Central because I’m pissed off about all of it – me being a bit nasty.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh yeah, marijuana addiction is a thing…. I’m hanging on tight to nicotine and anybody who has the pleasure of being around me when I’ve tried to stop was probably thinking “just light a smoke ffs you hellmonster”. If the weed around here wasn’t so revolting I’d probably still indulge from time to time. Douchebag neighbour went to rehab for it and her psychiatrist said very solemnly that her habit wouldn’t be such an issue if the weed was better. When you visit I’ll get a friend to meet you at the airport in Johannesburg to stock you up before you fly down here. Yup, it’s that bad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope when I finally come to visit that it won’t be such a deal breaker with me, that I can go on holiday and not smoke and not miss it. Drugs would help.

      I’m not willing to fully accept marijuana addiction (probably a sign of it). I will honestly admit to increased headaches and pain when I cut back. Whether that’s marijuana addiction, tobacco addiction (cause my j’s are both), or actually that’s where my body naturally is without smoking (from the RA or mental issues; don’t care) – now THAT’S the real question. My RA has been getting steadily worse; more pain in my hands, my feet, my entire body. Part of that is mechanical neck pain as well, which leads to frequent headaches. So sorting it all out is gonna suck ass in many ways. I expect my body to hurt as well as my soul.

      The one thing I know for sure is this: take care of the RA problems and my mental issues, and I’ll smoke less. Guaranteed. Yes, I LIKE to smoke. But if I didn’t feel the need to reach for a toke because my body hurt so much or I was so fucking wound up I couldn’t sit still or so depressed I was ready to off myself, my smoking would be much, much less.

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      1. I thought mj was purely a psychological addiction? Shit re the RA, fuck that and the whores it rode in on. Do not approve. I forget, are you seeing a psychiatrist there and if so, what do they say about the addiction stuff?

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      2. I’m not seeing anyone yet; supposedly Addiction Central is set to handle whatever I throw at them and has psychologists and psychiatrists on staff. This phone call will be to set up my first appointment, which I’ve been told will take 2-4 hours. Ugh. Like I want to be talking about shit for that long. According to Addiction Central’s website, mj withdrawal can include physical reactions, like headaches, as well as increased irritability. I’m too far into the situation to be able to view it dispassionately, so I’ve no idea if I’m experiencing withdrawal as I cut back or what it it. I expect them to blame withdrawal first and negate the RA. Which, of course, pisses me off.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Well, if you’re anything like me, I hope you land up with a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist – and that if it’s a psychologist, it’s of the clinical rather than counselling variety. Wish I could send you shrink one.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I expect to get passed around a bit once I’m there. Talk to one person on the first appointment, then another, then maybe a third before they think (and I think) that the fit is right. I don’t want just talk therapy nor do I want to just be drugged up. I’d like a combination. And I know where I want my focus to be: in the present, not the past. Yeah, there’s stuff I need to talk about. There’s stuff I need to say and hear someone say ‘It’s okay to feel that way’. Hell, I NEED to hear that the behavior my family exhibited is NOT normal. I need to hear it isn’t my fault. I’m gonna need to hear that stuff for a while; years, maybe. I heard the opposite for SO long I’m afraid I’ll never be able to break it no matter what I try.

        I am preparing mentally to take care of myself. The appointment I had at another counseling center taught me a lot: don’t go into anything too deep on the first appointment. Discuss things, but keep it conversational. Don’t spill my guts and start sobbing uncontrollably. To do that, I’ll probably take a chip of Ativan AND smoke a J. I’ll tell them that, no problem when I walk in for the appointment. But I’m not gonna go there and let their questions turn me into a basket case for the rest of the day. I’m also not gonna take sunshine therapy. And I’m gonna say ‘fuck’ at least once to test the reaction. Because anyone I work with is gonna have to deal with my swearing and bad attitude. That’s just the way it is.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Bloody hell, that’s the most wise and sensible approach I’ve ever read. I’m speechless – I’m also applying your comments to my stuff and playing spot the difference. Nice one mate.

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      6. Cheers. That’s my preparation for the worst. My hope is that I’ll connect right away and feel safe, even happy to go back for another appointment. Now I just got to get my expectations down to zero…which is always the toughest part!

        Liked by 1 person

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