No birthday of mine is complete without a ‘shit! did that REALLY have to happen?’ and I just got the one for this year. My brother still in the states has left a birthday greeting plastered on my Facebook page telling the world I’m 50. My FB page has been 10 years light on my age since I began it; it was originally a marketing idea. So much for that. What a fucking idiot. I swear. The dude doesn’t talk to me for five fucking years and then he goes and does some stupid shit like that. I’ve half a mind to blast him, half a mind to let it go because he’s my idiot brother who just doesn’t know better. It makes me feel tired.
I’m also feeling a bit cynical this morning. After my deep depression last fall, I was determined to go out on social networks and tell everyone happy b-day on their day because even tho I was in the shit last year, reading the b-day greetings made me feel a little less horrible. So I did; I made a point of signing in and at least checking on birthday people. For all that, I got fewer b-day greetings this year than last. I would have thought maybe sharing the goodwill would bring it all around, you know? That putting out positive results in positive back. What a load of shit, at least in THIS instance. Exact opposite happened. So much for goodwill Beeps on social networks. I’ll happily go back to being a grumpy hermit.
Yesterday, however, was good. I MADE it be good. Rain? I smiled; let it rain. Cold? I just bundled up under my coat and thought how fresh and brisk it felt. Other hiccups like getting the time wrong for the film? Ah, that just means we had time for a cup of coffee and a chat. I was determined to not let anything bring me down, to greet everything with a smile, and for 24 hours it worked.
Nice and easy when you’ve got a day of just fun stuff planned. Not so easy when you’ve got important tasks you need to do or appointments that you MUST make on time. I want drugs – a lot of them – to keep that shit up, but it IS possible. All that’s needed is time – lots and lots of that, ’cause all sorts of shit comes up to delay you – and patience, or a peculiar non-invested interest in all that goes on around you. Oh, really? That’s happening over my shoulder? Hm. Maybe I’ll turn around to look. In a minute. It’ll still be there. – No, it won’t, and you’ll probably miss it but you gotta ACT like it’s gonna be there forever. Or at least I do. As soon as my body starts to feel tight in any manner – I’m gonna be late, what’s that? where am I? – I lose my zen and freak out. I need one of those drugs that you could stand still and watch the blast of an atomic bomb coming at you and all you’d say would be ‘wow, look at all the colors’. That might work.
Today is my computer language class. I don’t want to go; I WANT to stay home and work on that new song I’m starting. But class isn’t about what I want to do, it’s about what I need to do. So I’ll go. For two hours I’ll sit and do something I could very well do in the comfort of my own home: work on the Dutch language program and read Dutch books. My head is sighing even THINKING about it. I’m having a hard time slowing down enough to read English thoroughly. Dutch is gonna be like pulling teeth.
And I’ve GOT to keep my phone by my side; I’m expecting another call from Addiction Central. Wednesday seems to be the only day anyone will make a phone call and if you don’t get the call when they dial you, you just gotta wait ’til next Wednesday. I’m done waiting. The b-day is over: I can come to your office and cry for the first 2-4 hour appointment. That’s all I was waiting for. Let’s do this.
And that’s just it: let’s do this. I want it over with. I want to be past it all already. I want their notebooks to be full of relevant info; I don’t want to have to go through it all AGAIN. *sigh* December’s gonna be one hell of a ride.