Sorry. I really enjoyed talking to you.
Sorry for pushing it too much.
uhm, I don’t know about how you feel. But, I was wondering if we could try and maybe just… Meet up, but just keep a physical distance. Because I think that would be less awkward than just seeing eachother at the open mic, after this. But if the idea makes you feel incredibly uncomfortable, then I guess there’s not really anything else to do.
Found THAT in my e-mail this morning. While the marshmallow side of me goes all gooey and says ‘Awwwwww! in that sappy kind of way that you’d do if you came across a dog dressed in a tutu- Aaawww! Isn’t that cute, he’s apologizing- the answer is no. Score another -10 for Ben for whinging. Well, maybe a -10 is harsh. It isn’t like I’ve said ‘Listen Ben, I’ve been raped at least 4 times in my life. I had nightmares about being raped after seeing you. Do you hear me? That’s what your grabbing brought out in me – dreams of choking and terror. That’s why I don’t want to see you. I’m doing my damnedest to not blame you for this, but you’re not helping matters. Please understand; I need to say no and I need you to hear that with 200% clarity.’.
Maybe I should just cut and paste that as a reply. Put it out there and let him deal with his end of it. ‘Cause this end of the stick is full of shit. Feels like he should have to get his hands dirty, too. Feel some of that guilt and blame and ugly shit I feel. Know you’re a bad person for asking that of me. You have a cock; take some responsibility for the cocks of the world (sorry, Andrew – you’re a bro, and I wouldn’t ask that of you but every other man right now better watch the fuck out).
My body hasn’t felt this exhausted since I began swimming. I’m so wiped from my pool time yesterday that I’m skipping the lane swim this morning and just heading to class. That will be enough for me today! Maybe I blew thru my swim time with more energy than I thought I did. I did have certain things on my mind, even as it was bobbing in and out of the water. At one point my rhythm was so perfected that the music they were pumping into the pool area sounded like a sample; every time I came up for breath it was the same two notes in an obviously repeating phrase. Ah-ah! Silence of water. Ah-ah! Silence of water. I almost laughed.
I am losing inches. I haven’t been in a mood to measure myself and say yippee! I’ve just been poking at the extra flab feeling fat. But I wore a coat out yesterday that had been a bit tight around my mid section a few months ago. I now button it up with ease and there’s some breathing room, too. The new/used pants I bought for €2 with elastic in the waist are falling down on me; I need a belt or I gotta get rid of them. I see this change in my clothes, but not my body. It is as fat as it ever was in my eyes, the bulges as big as they ever were. I see no change. But I’m getting faster, getting more endurance. I can walk faster, pick up more weight, do things with less effort overall. For the first time, I think I’m taking old weight off. That deep body weight that increases the girth of your torso but doesn’t hang off as fat. That’s what I think is coming off right now. I’ll take that. The bulges…I don’t like, but I can lift my legs to trim here and there. Eventually.
Haven’t been doing spectacular with smoking. Not horrible, either. Seems I’ve reset to 4 point something joints a day; never quite 5, always a bit more than 4. I’m indulging myself in this. Today marks the beginning of my actual birthday week. If I can get thru the big 5-0 without hysterics I’ll be a satisfied person. That’s my aim; get thru the actual birthday – both of them, with the time difference – without losing it. Maybe smile during that 24 hour period. Then it’s another short week to a call from the counseling center. Just get there, I keep telling myself.
Had to go down to the grocery store yesterday. EEEEEEeeeeeeeee! All the Xmas stuff is already out. My cravings were VERY hard to hold in. I was running down just before dinner, so I was hungry anyway. Then I had to pass through mounds of candy and cookies and cakes because the store had moved where they put my oatmeal. Up and down every damn aisle only to find it in – of course – the last place I looked. I managed to get out of there with my oatmeal, extra toilet paper, a pack of frozen orange treats (79 cal each), and one pack only of gingerbread puffs. Here in NL they make gingerbread in tiny ‘kiss’ form. Little dots they bake until crisp. Then they sell them in 1 kg packs. I bought one. One for the holidays; it will last a few months because my bro doesn’t like them and I’m the only one munching them. I’m very pleased that’s all I picked up and it was something I’d planned to get for the holidays anyway. Other things almost went in the cart; there are these incredibly good mass produced custard cakes here that melt in your mouth. Oh, I wanted them. They’re still sitting downstairs in the store. I can taste them now, all soft and kind of vanilla flavor and then the middle that melts away in your mouth…! I also wanted to grab a lot of candy and chocolate and just about everything I saw. Then you walk out of the store and have to pass by the Oliebollen stands – fresh doughnut like dough wrapped around Bavarian creme. Hard to NOT indulge.
It’s pissing rain. Again. All this week. Most of last week. I’m resigned to feeling damp anytime I go outside. Now that I’m a pool junkie, it’s not so bad. Almost an extension of swim time for me: swim thru the air. Not so nice when you want to look presentable once you get somewhere, tho. Kind of puts a damper on things. But I’ll brave it for the pool and another film down at the IMAX. And dinner. IF we eat at the Indian place that has real Chai tea. You gotta wait 15 minutes while they brew it and it is DIVINE. It’s also pricey at €2 a cup…’cause I like at least 2 cups with a meal. But it is SO worth it. YUM! I’d like to offer to pay them to teach me their method of making it. Please. Oh, I love that chai so much! It’s so perfect!
Off I go, to get damp, then wet. And to dream of chai tea.