Almost cheated yesterday. Almost. Came this close. I didn’t; feels like I passed a milestone. So for now, no more count unless I slip up or cut down more.
More and more I want to rent out the pool. Swim all by myself; get those slow pokes out of my lane and the fast jack-asses who make too many waves ’cause they think they swim well when they don’t out too. A real swimmer once told me a GOOD swimmer can swim with little to no wave splash….I’d like to tell one particularly muscle bound dude that. His arms are like jack hammers, and when they come down in the water they make a big splash. Somedays (like yesterday) it seems I’m the only one who’s willing to put their face in the water….everybody else doggy paddles. Two ladies in my lane were so slow I did nothing but FLOAT after them. The pull in the water from a few people swimming the same direction was enough for me to keep up with them…were they moving at all? Not what I’d call swimming.
Back in the water today. My suit is probably still damp. I’ll have to reign in my natural enthusiasm; supposed to meet up with my friend from class and be social, so no whole-hog swim for half an hour after class. She can’t do that, so she ends up getting out of the pool and just waiting for me. I feel a bit rude about that, so I’ll cut back when we socialize.
I’ve also got THINGS to do.
One off my list: walked into the doc’s yesterday and made an appointment to get the referral letter to Addiction Central. Hoping my GP will pony up more info about the place before I walk into goddess only knows what. I don’t need to go there and hear only Dutch; I’ll freak, ’cause I still don’t know a lot. I don’t need to go there and be told this or that; I’m clear on my smoking: I like it. The only reason I’m cutting back is for the fucking counseling place. Well, that and my pocketbook…
Gonna go and see Ben tonight…Stepping way out of my comfort zone with this one. Trying to play it off nonchalant. Oh, take the metro deep into the city, then catch a bus I’ve never noticed on a street corner I don’t know, get off 10 stops later in a part of the city I’ve never been to, find his new place, and THEN be social…I’ve got a 7.5 going on my anxiety meter over this, which in all probability will raise to a 9.3 before I ring his doorbell. My only reply to his suggestion, which came as soon as I signed into Facebook yesterday morning, was ‘Sounds good’. No it doesn’t. It doesn’t sound good at all. It sounds fucking scary. Any other city and I’d be making a pre-trip this afternoon to figure out where his new place is…But Rotterdam is well mapped, and the people are pretty friendly. Like I’ve said, I haven’t felt afraid on the streets of this city. Alone at night on a dark path with a group of strangers around: no fear. Haven’t got that vibe. Hope I never catch it in this city. Still, a lot of opportunities to get lost tonight. A lot of opportunities to feel vulnerable. And THAT’S before I even get to his place. Then it’s just him and me, no party to distract either one of us. I’m grateful to Ben this morning; he told me he still doesn’t have his new place organized and asked me to help him tonight. I feel weird about it; it sounds kind of weird. Help you organize your place? I’m not your mom or your sister or your girlfriend. How am I gonna help you organize? But I can’t help thinking that he suggested it to take the pressure off me, so I didn’t think we were gonna sit on the couch and play keep the octopus away all night. This WILL give us a distraction, something to do around talking to each other and getting to know each other better. It also makes me feel a bit more comfortable because I can go there in my sweat pants and t-shirt; we’re organizing. Gonna get some dust on me somewhere. Point is, I don’t feel I have to dress up or look a certain way. Gotta admit I’m curious; if he did all this on purpose he really shows a deep insight I didn’t expect. If it’s all chance…well, Universe, what am I supposed to be paying attention to? You can’t be serious…He’s half my age…
For the first time in a long time, the question mark is truthful. Questioning all of it…Do I really not want a relationship? Could I get past all my issues with sex? And age?
…I’ve stumped myself, and the only answer is to see how it goes. Play it slow. Get to know him better, let him know me better. See if we have something in common other than this attraction to each other. Goddess, am I even really attracted to him, or is it just because he’s paying attention to me? There’s another question I don’t know the answer to, and I need to find out.
Certainly dating a non-smoker would support my smoke-free lifestyle.
Don’t know that I want to open this can of worms. Relationships are complicated. I’m barely able to make friends right now, do I really want the distraction?
STOP!!! Fucking stop it, head. I’m not fucking there yet. It’s only 7 a.m. and YOU’RE shooting off to some foggy, unknown time in the future when I have to really come up with an answer. Tonight is an exploratory journey; that is all. Think of it as a little psychic surgery: I’m gonna open up my anxiety and dive in, see how much has metastasized. I do not need to do anything in particular. I’m gonna go and help a friend, that’s all, so fuck off with all the rest of it. We’ll have a beer, I’ll put his books on a bookshelf or some such shit, and that’s it. Talk. I don’t even know what Ben’s job is, for fuck’s sake. Or his last name. Hells bells, he told me more about his sexual history than anything else. Now he’s gotta tell me who he REALLY is. Yeah. Tell me who you really are, Ben. Don’t distract me by kissing me; pony up the truth, and I’ll do the same.
And that’s what I’m nervous about…