Yesterday’s count: 4. Climbing the walls between smokes, but I’m doing it. When I no longer have to watch the clock because time just ticks too slow between my smoke breaks, I’ll stop posting my daily count. I’m getting close. A few more days of this and I may go past my smoke times without realizing it.
Sunday could have been a day out of a film. Out of the house before noon (will I ever get over the surreal act of leaving the house BEFORE noon? I doubt it). Metro down to Museum Park (very inventive name – not). A slow stroll through that picturesque place, perfected in early autumn rains. Then cerebral feed: eat this, brain. I can’t say I was overwhelmed by any of the art I saw, but I read (the museum was bilingual with Dutch AND English) and I looked and I thought. Well, there was one installation that really caught my eye, that made me sit down near it for 20 minutes. It was a refrigerator full of beer with a bottle opener hanging nearby and a sign asking me to please, help myself to a beer and sit down and talk art and life and politics. So I did. My bro and I were the only ones, at least when we went through the installation. It was fun, and weird, and wonderful – everything I like about Rotterdam. Beer in the museum. FREE beer. Had anywhere in Ireland tried to run that, the ‘fridge would be emptied every half hour and the place would be littered with alcoholics. I’ll say it again: the Dutch are terribly civilized.
My feet and the exhibits just couldn’t last for 6 hours. We split after 3 hours and headed for a bite to eat at my favorite Turkish restaurant. Turkish tea and Turkish pizza (what a great lunch!) gave me enough time to rest my tootsies before heading off to Media Markt to pick up some DVDs for home entertainment. In the end, I opted for the entire Deep Space 9 series. It was 7,569 minutes of watching – not a film or tv series in the place could rival it for entertainment time v price. It’s the only Star Trek that dared to go beyond the pat formula and try bigger stories. Too bad they didn’t have good enough writers on staff to really do it. Could have taken Star Trek out of the Dark Ages of tv early. Instead, we all had to wait for the re-boot (which I love).
With all the rainbows and streamers and prancing unicorns yesterday, I didn’t experience one moment of anger or irritation. That’s great, but I can’t spend cash like that every day. Nor can my feet do all the walking. It IS nice to get out and act ‘normal’ – and I mean that in every sense of the word. Normal like I CAN walk for 4 hours and not be so stiff. Normal like I have an extra €5 to sit down and enjoy a bite to eat without screwing up my budget for the rest of the month. Yeah. Yesterday was a little break from my tight-assed life of don’t smoke, don’t spend money, don’t hurt yourself, and a world of other ‘don’ts’. I just was, and I smiled.
Today I’m looking down the periscope of a long week with a lot of work in it. Seems like an awful lot when I look at it that way. Seems like my weekends have become these little blips in my work weeks. *sigh* Where has my freedom gone? I know what I’m doing is good for me….Just my stubbornness rearing its head. But really! I feel too full of Dutch most days and wonder if I’m moving too fast – my brain is confusing simple stuff now. Not good; doesn’t help that my instructors keep piling on work – here, read this book and go to this website for more drills and are you sure you’re watching Sesame Street every night? cause there’s a lot of good kids programs on and you might want to try watching the news and reading the papers as well. AAAAAAAAARGH!
Other than this blog, I’ve written jack shit. I have one story beginning – about 4 paragraphs – sitting unfinished and with question marks ???? all over the title because I don’t even know what to call it. I haven’t gone back to music because. Just because; I don’t have a good reason why not. Too lazy, too tired, too restless – all that works. Fill the blank in yourself. I can’t dilly-dally too much longer on this; I really DO have to get back to music and do some more producing. Time moves forward on me whether or not I feel it, whether or not I like it.
Right now, I’m just thankful I’m not a big processed meat eater. If I felt I had to change one more thing about my life I’d implode.
I have decided to buy a curling iron to play with my hair. As I’ve been smoking less, I’ve been more and more ashamed of my tatty appearance. I want to look nicer, and one way I can do that is to do something with my hair other than let it go wild. My hair has a certain style even when I do nothing. It’s always had a mind of its own. But swimming makes it frizz out a bit and misbehave (actually, it’s the hair dryers at the pool that just blast out air; can’t style at all). So I’ll get something I can play with and arrange Shirley Temple curls all over my head. That’s what it’s gonna look like before I brush it – Shirley Temple. The natural curl in my hair means I super curl when I use a curling iron – ringlets all around. I’ll get some mousse and gel, too.
Maybe I’ll even buy some make-up.
Don’t freak: I’m not changing into a Barbie doll. These have been long term goals of mine: to look a bit better, dress a bit better, act a bit better. And let’s face it: if I’m ever really gonna go back into the club scene, I need a bit more than my sweat pants, bare face, and frizzy hair. I need to get back to clubs to check DJs and the set-ups; hear what’s being laid down and see the equipment they’re working on. If they’d let me sneak in the back door and observe, I would. I gotta go thru the front, so I gotta look the part a bit. I just don’t want to go too overboard…No need for that. Even if I could pull it off.
This next phase in my life is gonna be more social. I can tell; all this is leading to it. Still don’t know if I’m ready to try the world again. I like my snug little nest at home with my writing and blogging and music. It’s comfortable. And going out there is risky in so many ways. I’m worried about that. Worried about the attention I’ll draw to myself, worried about my social-fueled mania and my chameleon ways. I haven’t formulated the new me yet; she’s still in flux. Go out too soon and she’ll get ruined. Wait too long and she’ll become brittle and break easy. Gotta do it just at the right time. Gotta be a rubbery…