Yesterday’s count: 4 joints
Determined to continue posting my consumption rate until I feel confident enough to go day to day all by myself. Right now, you guys are my sounding board, wailing wall, and most importantly my table of truth, so I’ll continue to post and keep me on the straight and narrow (shit. Straight and narrow. Sounds boring, doesn’t it?) by a little self-shaming. If I do bad, I gotta own up to you guys. Maybe not the best way to climb out of this, but hey! Whatever the fuck works right now. Something is working. I’ve rolled my first spliff for the day but I don’t want to light up….When I light up, that means I’ve got to get through the rest of the day with only 3 other Js to smoke, and I do SO want to smoke. *sigh*
Restlessness has been as bad as I feared. Very little can keep me occupied for any length of time right now. My whole play time on video games lasts a whopping 20 minutes before I feel bored out of my fucking skull. Movies better be really fucking good, or I’ll yawn and fidget through everything. I’ve finally found a charity shop here in Rotterdam, a place where I can buy second hand clothing, which is GOOD because I gotta go and get some more €2 pairs of pants because I won’t stop rubbing my fucking legs in nervous anxiety and all my stuff is wearing down and looking bad. My bro offered extra b-day cash for me to buy a NICE outfit, but I said no – until I lose the excess weight and stop with all these nervous habits, I’m gonna stay in my cheap clothes. Rub the pants legs on €2 pants, not €50 pants. I’ll feel just as fat and out of place in the €50 outfit as I do the €5 outfit right now. Keep me on the cheap.
The whole day is stretched in front of me without any appointments to take me out of the house. Gotta rectify that one. Saturday is relatively easy, at least compared to the dog day of the week, Sunday. Goddess save me from Sundays. I think Sunday should be abolished, and its time should be doled out to the rest of the days of the week. I’d much rather have a 30 hour Monday thru Saturday than a 24 hour Sunday. And I think I’d like 30 hour days. Let me really run until I get tired. Really tired, not my usual ‘oh, it’s getting close to bed time so I’d better think about sleeping’ tired. Bleh. I don’t even live the life to have my days the way I want them. There was a day I let myself go and to hell with the rest of the world. I want a 30 hour day; I GOT a 30 hour day. Every night/day, go to bed later. Wake up at odd times. It’s fine until you’ve got to interact with the real world. Then it’s hell. Studies have been shown this whole 16 hours up and 8 hours asleep doesn’t work for people, yet we still adhere to it like some outmoded fucking fashion of our parents. Whip ourselves into a semblance of ‘awake’ or ‘asleep’ according to a ticking clock rather than our bodies.
Is it any wonder we’ve all gone mad?
Doing all I can to just ride this out. Make it ok to tackle things 20 minutes at a time. Get something done, move on. Just keep treading the water. Telling myself I’ll find that new rhythm. Hope I’m not lying to myself. Feels like I am. But then, I’m very aware of a big part of me that doesn’t want to do any of this, doesn’t want to go to counseling or stop smoking or tell the truth. She just wants to go like I’ve been doing, and she’s screaming at me that it’s worked so far for us, why are we abandoning the only way we know how to do things? I tell her I want to think outside the box. She asks, what box? And I shake my head at her. That’s HER problem: she doesn’t even recognize she’s in a box. She likes her box, and wants to keep it.
Box: another word for cage. If I let out my arthritis-maimed tiger (thank you, Andrew, for that little phrase; it works so well!), what’s gonna happen? She may be old, she may be in pain, but let me tell you – she’s still able to be deadly. Has she learned anything yet? Enough to be my bodyguard and follow MY lead, rather than her own? Most importantly: have we learned to trust each other yet? I guess my own ambivalence should tell me the answer to that, and if I’m having a hard time trusting her, I’m sure she’s feeling the same way about me. Any time one of us has taken the lead, we’ve lead the other into shit. We have to work together…
The Ombudsman of Beeps must take control. There have been very few times in my life when ALL of me has been behind anything I do, and right now I’ve got to get all of us lined up together. I need a unified front; dissent must be put aside.
It is November. A google showed me *cringe* the truth: we’re IN a planetary alignment right now. Man, I HATE being so in sync with the Universe.