Much better head space today. Then again, I took preventative measures and made sure I smoked a light one before class this morning. Having a good internal laugh at the docent (teacher). My bro went to a different language class yesterday, which really WAS for beginners. He came back to the original class today sharper and far more confident with basic verbs – which REALLY should be the goal for this class. The teacher back-stepped several times and finally got around to conjugating ‘hebben’ and ‘zijn’ (to have and to be). Lo and behold, the entire class needed it because everybody made mistakes somewhere. So the very long article we were supposed to read for homework is still not discussed, and I think it won’t be, because now we’re off on a different tangent. I just hope Ms. Knows Everything shuts the hell up; who needs to sit in class while she and the teacher chat about something the rest of us don’t understand? You’d think she should do that AFTER class, not during..
Honesty time. Yesterday’s tally was 3.5 joints. I’ll try to match that today. The weekend is gonna be harder; I don’t have class to get me out of the house for several hours at a time. And the weather has turned wet – rain is forecast for the next week. Ugh. Means mall walking is in my future just to get a bit of exercise, ’cause getting in the pool over the weekend is barf-city with all the people and back hair floating around.
Sleep isn’t so good. Tossing and turning a lot, but then it seems I always toss and turn. I rarely have a night when I don’t wake up 4-8 times.
My coughing and sneezing are already a bit better, though. Much, much less – and none at night, which is quite notable.
Trying to ride that edge of irritation. Keep myself just this side of homocide. Okay, keep myself a good distance from homocide while simultaneously cutting back. I’m rubbing the front of my pants in anxiety and nerves a lot….there goes another pair; they’re all knobby now where I rub and look terrible. My jeans stand up a bit better than my sweats, but you can still see where I do it…
Birthday month continues, with promises of Chinese take-way tonight (killer!) and free reign to buy any entertainment I want. That gives me at least one reason to get out of the house this weekend. I can go to the store and decide what DVDs and BluRays and CDs I want. I’ll be picky, and not choose a lot right now. It’s the 6th….18 more days to go. Or 19, depending on how you count it. I was born at 6:55 p.m. in the states on November 24. If I wait for that exact time to happen where I was born, it’s 12:55 a.m. November 25 here. See? My b-day now covers 2 days, November 24 AND November 25. Like the Universe agreed with my bizarre time stretch of my b-days and just said ‘make it so’.
Pft. I am dragging my feet on making an appointment with my doc…Gotta get that referral letter from her, and talk to her about Addiction Central (NOT the name of the clinic; I’m being sarcastic). I have now formulated close to a dozen impassioned speeches – which are a mix of English and Dutch – to ward off any future stupid questions, which means I probably will not receive any stupid questions at all. That’s the only reason I follow the Boy Scouts motto ‘be prepared’ – to ward off bad juju. When I get all prepped for the worst, the worst never happens. When I ride it free and easy, all shit breaks loose. So I’ll do my dance of preparation, maybe even write down the most scathing of speeches to have on me so I don’t fuck up the Dutch, and none of it will happen. 97% guaranteed (and yeah, it’s the 3% that bugs me).
My body isn’t playing well with others these days. If it ain’t my feet, it’s my knees. And if it ain’t my knees, it’s a headache. Or my shoulder, or my hands. Always something. I really do need more medication for this shit. I hate rheumatoid arthritis. Just in case I haven’t mentioned it lately. I really hate it. Hate taking the injections, hate the fatigue, hate not being able to do this or that because this or that hurts too fucking much.
*sigh* Then again, if I didn’t have RA I’d never stop.
My depression didn’t come in later, when I started to beat myself up for being too fast. That’s the cycle I’ve observed: fast, fast, fast, irritation, anger, rage, guilt, shame, self blame, sorrow, hopelessness, depression. Then I’m down there for a good long time. Right now, my focus is on preventing that downward spiral (NIN, anyone?). Not easy. My bro has mentioned his doctors told him to eat bananas because they help prevent depression.
A banana a day keeps depression away? We’ll see. I’m about to become a monkey – in more ways than one – and try it. I hope it works on my irritation, too.