Cold Turkey Sucks Ass

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I am NOT not smoking. Too fucking upset, and even my brother has asked me to please, light up a joint and fucking calm down. I gotta rant about my fucking language course, so all you who don’t care, skip down past this next tirade.

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Goddamn mother fucking bullshit fuckers in fucking class! For fuck’s sake, there were three goddamn fucking talkers in class who WOULDN’T SHUT THE FUCK UP the whole fucking class. Had to put my fucking finger in my goddamn fucking ear just to shut them out a bit to hear the fucking instructor. THEN the people near me had to get in my fucking face to tell me (1) NOT to use my little paper name ‘plate’ – which we ALL asked to do and USE so everybody could fucking remember everyone else’s fucking name – because it wasn’t fucking COOL to have it up and open and then (2) that I wasn’t supposed to move ahead and fucking fill the fucking answers in below a certain fucking point while still in fucking class. Goddamn mother fuckers anyway!!! One thing I’m learning how to say – PERFECTLY – by tomorrow morning is ‘fuck off’ (which is basically ‘rot op’) and hold your mouth (‘hou je bek’) because if I hear that shit again I am standing up and reading them the fucking riot act. I am NOT going to class to listen to your goddamn inane little fucking conversation. I’m here to fucking learn, and if you’re so fucking advanced that you can sit there and TALK in fucking class because you don’t fucking need to learn what’s being taught, then maybe you should get the FUCK out of class and leave those of us who want to fucking learn fucking ALONE! Goddamn!

One thing the fucking counseling center will hear about is my fucking anger… Anger at them for fucking blowing me off, anger at the fucking WORLD for being so fucking shitty. No fucking surprise I want to fucking toke all fucking day long if you’re all going to be ASSHOLES. What, you think you can pull that shit and I WON’T be angry? Sorry, I don’t drink your fucking water so I don’t get the fucking prozac you so obviously dose the rest of the fucking populace with. People were close to DYING today by my fucking hand. I’m fucking smoking; fuck you and fuck you.

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GRAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!

And I did SO well yesterday.

Pft. But then, yesterday I had my computer class – not too challenging, like the class this morning. Then it was downtown to see ‘Spectre’ and have a good meal. A happy day, with no stressors I couldn’t handle and plenty of play time. That made it much easier to avoid smoking, and I made it through all day with less than 3 joints (compared to an average of 7). In other words, GOOD FUCKING PROGRESS. I’ll try to match it today, at least. Keep it down. Shit.

My morning began with an early swim; 7 a.m. I was in the water doing my first lap. I felt every step I took yesterday in my legs, and the first 20 minutes I was dying, as I always am in the pool. But I am a creature of endurance, and it’s epitomized in my swimming: first 20 minutes I huff and puff and struggle, next 20 minutes I find my rhythm, and from there…I don’t know that I need to stop. I got thru the huff and puff stage this morning as well as a leg cramp when some a-hole just had to horseplay in front of me and forced me to pull up mid-stroke. Then out, dry my hair and get dressed, walk back home to drop my wet stuff off, and metro into class. Pretty non-stop. All in all, I think I need to swim after class, not before. I don’t really like that; the pool gets dirtier and cloudier by the hour. And more people to deal with the later it gets. But I don’t see the non-stop push I did this morning doing me any good in the long run. Too aggravating.

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Ok, ok, ok. I think I see a possible problem. I’ve been medicating myself with marijuana. Why am I not treating it like an anti-depressant and slowly taking down the amount I smoke? I should be; I should WEAN myself off, not go all cold turkey. If that means the counseling center doesn’t see me before next year, so be it. I’ve lived this way all my life, I can do for a few more months. It’s more important to me to keep up with my progress so far (which I’ve done while toking; take that motherfuckers) than it is to quit immediately. [Status update: I’m 3/4 of the way thru my joint, and the anger has dropped.] Alright. I’m revising my goal. I’m gonna ask myself to take my smoking down to 3-5 J’s a day right now. That’s a drop, but a small enough drop I shouldn’t become a bezerker. Do that for 2 weeks. Then take it down again. Keep doing it until I can go without.

Cold turkey sucks ass.

I will also make use of my brother’s offered ativan (yeah. I was REALLY bad.). A quarter of a tab on a day like today will quench the anger long enough to relax. As he pointed out, the counseling center doesn’t have the same problem with something like ativan as they do marijuana – which seems weird to me, but there you go. I ain’t gonna be popping pills willy-nilly since they’re not mine to begin with, so I guess that’s ok. Oh, fuck it if it’s not! And fuck them if they give me shit for it. They don’t have to walk in my shoes. Only I can say when it’s too much, and I think the space I was in just a short J’s worth ago pretty much said it was TOO MUCH. I keep having reactions like that and either someone is gonna really die, or I’ll have a fucking aneurysm. *off I go to swallow said pill*

That was so small it’s hard to tell if I actually swallowed it.

…After all that, I have one positive thing I’ve held back to end on. Last year, I missed the first Hunger Games: Mocking Jay film. This year, the big finale is coming up – saw a trailer for it and man! it looks cool. So my brother played my b-day card and bought me the first part…Guess what I’m watching today? 😎

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16 thoughts on “Cold Turkey Sucks Ass

  1. You’re right. Cold turkey does suck ass. I wouldn’t know about the weed thing, I only smoked a bit in my teens and 20s and maybe it doesn’t seem a fair comparison but for me it’s food and sweets and caffeine. If I don’t have my coffee and my sweets it’s like “Hello Linda Blair!”.
    I’m sorry you’re having a shitty transition but I like your idea of weaning yourself off. Makes sense to me. Big hug xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! Much easier than trying to do it all at once. And, as my bro pointed out, I’m cutting back on two addictions at once. My J’s are European, and they’re a mix of tobacco AND herb.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t believe the center told you to be clean in 30. Fucking bullshit. I think your taper idea is a great one. Do what YOU need to do that’s good for YOU. Bravo.
    How was “Spectre”?! My dad and I are going to see it this weekend in IMAX!! I can’t wait for “Mocking Jay: Part 2” to come out!! I won’t be able to see it at a midnight premier with my shoulder, but I’ll see it sometime!! Enjoy your movie sweet crazy lady 😉😉😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ach! No spoilers, of course. I’ll say this: Spectre is a good film, but I don’t think it’s a GREAT film. It’s been finished with an overall yellow cast to it, which I didn’t enjoy visually (odd that, since yellow is my personal color now). I found the opening sequence a bit lame; I think when you see it you may know the EXACT CGI thing that makes me say that. Having said that, the film has some good nods to Bond history that should give you a giggle. The first scenes of the film are very visually arresting until the fight sequence comes up. I can appreciate what they did, but I don’t know that the majority of movie goers are going to realize what a spectacular stunt it is because it lacked the fast editing and camera work seen in some of the earlier films.

      I’m gonna see Mocking Jay: Part 2 in the IMAX, definitely! The trailer for it was WAAAY cool. 😝 Especially now that I’m all caught up!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 100% agree on the Bond line-up. Been seeing the old Bond films lately (snore!). Hard to believe the franchise got so far with such crap movies and effects. I mean, really. Moonraker? Ugh!

        No I haven’t read the books. I’d like to pick them up, tho. I think there’s an English bookstore here in Rotterdam. I KNOW I’ve seen one; I’ll need to search it out. They’ll be able to get me copies if they don’t have them in stock.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Sean Connery was an excellent Bond. Top of the line at the time. Pierce Brosnon was the worst. Hands DOWN.
        Yes, read the books-there’s always so much left out of the movies, but they didn’t leave out much in Mocking jay Part 1. Can’t wait to see part 2!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Sean. *sigh* I’ve heard he’s quite a chauvinist and all…And DAMN! He’s still good looking. Really? You’d put Pierce below Roger Moore? He’s the one I can’t stand.

        Cool. I’ll search the books out…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Does it count if you put it in food, like sprinkled on a piece of pie or something? I mean, it is considered an herb, kinda, maybe pasta sauce? (for real, not joking)
    Btw, blast those jerks in your class! They are rude and arrogant.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sadly, yes, eating it counts. You get more THC from eating it than smoking it, as a matter of fact. I just like the flavor when I smoke it.

      🙂 While my tiger-lady is right there with ya on blasting them, I’m trying IRL to be a bit less severe. Today wasn’t so bad.

      Liked by 1 person

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