So Many


My lucky streak continues.

I waffled last night, enough to be in serious danger of getting some syrup poured over me. Got to the open mic a little late and the place was packed. The host said hello but didn’t acknowledge my email requesting a slot and I thought ‘ah, let it go’. But then, another author got up to read (he’s done so before and the two of us have commiserated over the lack of audience interest) and I felt like I SHOULD get up and read. So I made a point of asking and got squeezed in, late at night after a break. There’s one story I popped out that’s kind of twilight zone material; not really horror but just *insert Twilight Zone music here*. Wasn’t sure I captured it well (before last night).

They LISTENED. No one talked. I mean NO ONE. And as I was winding the story up with the end that told you nothing unless you made that leap of ‘oh! so THAT’S what happened’ in your brain (remember; these are minimalist stories; not much there and that’s the way they’re supposed to be), I heard a GASP. An intake of breath from the front as realization of what was happening in the story hit them. How fucking COOL is that? (answer: uber cool) Oh, it gave me shivers. As I stepped away from the mic a woman got up – she’s one who gasped – and shook my hand saying ‘Thank you so MUCH!’. I sat down, felt a tap on my knee and there was Ben. He’d snuck in during my reading. 🙂

We’re gonna get together this week to catch up with each other. Yes, I actually have a play date with a friend. I’m gonna get OUT of the house and meet someone OTHER than my brother. Maybe go somewhere I haven’t been to yet. Say new things, tell new stories (or at least tell old stories to a new listener). I’m gonna ask him to speak Dutch with me for 15 minutes for practice. But only 15; I want to ENJOY my time, not sweat it out. I wanna hear how he’s doing, too: what he’s been doing, how the job search is going, etc. Eeee! I’m giddy with excitement. *sigh* And yes, I’ll kiss him because you know what? It’s fucking great to have a 25 year old want to kiss you when you’re this close to 50.

The obstacles I need to tackle this weekend are written down in neat list form, as if doing that will make it easier to get through. I don’t know; my mom taught me to do it and the lesson stuck. I get weirdly pleasured-out when I cross something off a list like that. Like there’s one of those electrodes attached to my brain that releases endorphins when I get something done. Good girl! Here’s a bowl of food; go and salivate some more. Well, I was woofing just the other day. Serves me right, I guess.

Monday is creeping up on me fast, and that means a call from the counseling center. Last night I got home before my bro (he biked to the open mic) and I chose to spend the time talking aloud to myself once again. I was practicing answering questions from the counselor. I know; I have no idea what’s going to be asked of me. How the fuck would I be able to ‘practice’ anything? Yet there I was, sitting in my chair with the tv on, talking to thin air. I guess there are certain things I want to be SURE to communicate to this person. Maybe I should do what I do best: write it down. Get whatever I need to say – or think I need to say – down to one short paragraph. I can slip that into the phone conversation anytime. Sounds like a good idea to me. Say what I want to, then go back and edit it to make it clear, then go back and make sure I’m using words a non-native English speaker may know. I guess that’s as much ass-covering as I can do. At least I’ll have ONE moment of clarity and communication even if I kind of spaz out for the rest of the conversation.

What with classes and homework and blogging oh my! I haven’t been out to see George for a couple of days. A feast is piled up on the kitchen counter for him and his cronies. Wishing George knew human language better; even Dutch! I’d like to take him aside and say ‘Look George. I really like you, but everyone’s getting upset. I don’t want to see you pecked at just because we have a thing. Can’t you sneak away, maybe meet me at another canal for a little bit? Then we could have some alone time.’. Yeah, the Alpha mallard nips at George’s tail feathers when I give him too much attention. Part of me feels like Mr. Alpha is in danger of getting drop kicked across the canal if he keeps it up! On the other hand, I kind of feel like I should take the Star Trek motto and not interfere in other societies. Which is why I want to talk to George so desperately, and meet him somewhere else. Just by-pass the whole pecking order (a literal usage). My only consolation is that bread is cheap, and buying enough to satisfy everyone, fat Alpha mallard included, is easy.

Slept all the way to 7 a.m. today. Had to go to bed at 1 a.m. to do it, but… 😕

This life that’s growing up around me is busy and exciting and scary. So many people to look in the eye. So many words to answer. Just…so many.


4 thoughts on “So Many

    1. Thanks, Dyane. 😀

      After writing that post, I had the pleasure of hearing both from Ben and my bro that no, I didn’t imagine that audience reaction. They both commented on it. Which blows my brain just that bit more, you know? It was noticed that I was noticed.

      All pumped up from it, too. Wishing there was another venue to read at but if there is, I haven’t found it yet…

      Liked by 1 person

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