Ready To Blow

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11:44. Back from language class.

I merited a little admonishment from the teacher to STOP trying to make such complex sentences. I gotta think like a 3 year old. Argh! Just a wee bit frustrating. I want to say so much more; I know what I DO say doesn’t really convey what I WANT to say. But I get half a gold star for trying.

My backlog of posts is being plundered these days, and it’s forcing me to go back and read my own words. That’s a good thing; I’d put on an old pair of rose colored glasses when thinking back over the last six months. Thought I’d raised myself out of the funk in April or May, but read a post in late June that was still angry and unhappy. I must find a little time to read my own posts before the counselor calls on Monday. Getting the time line correct for my ups and downs is important.

Time…got maybe 12 to 15 email notifications about blogs I follow. All new posts for me to read and comment on, and I’m struggling to find a slice of the day to sit down and do just that. I don’t want to be a blog-spewer that doesn’t give back. I get a lot from comments left on my posts and in the interest of good karma I want to make sure I leave plenty of thoughtful comments on other people’s posts.

Somethin’s gotta give, and first on the chop block is play time: cut down on video gaming. My little girl is a bit pouty over that, but even she agrees we’ve got a lot on our plate right now. Time to tuck in. And I’m trying to console myself that someday I’ll buy a new game in Dutch to combine learning and gaming. Great thought, but that’s future shit – insubstantial blow-aways on the wind of today’s problems. Doesn’t do jack for me now. Wonder how much sleep I actually need…Can I cut back more? Nah; not a goed idee. Zombie gaming will just frustrate me.

Tonight I’m off to the unknown: open mic night. I emailed, said I’d be there with a story to read if there’s time (my email was late; my bad). Don’t know if Ben will be there or not…tempted to message him but I just don’t know that I’ve got a night of flirting in me right now. My head feels like it’s been split open and encased in formaldehyde ala Damien Hirst. No pain. No connections, either. Just existence. My brain is; it need not think or ponder or learn or comprehend. No more questions, please. I have no more answers. Yeah, I need to be left alone for a bit. And as perverse as my personal Universe is, that probably means Ben will show up. That’s the way my life works. Oh, what the hell. I’ll go, have some beers (Two. Three will put me under the table; forget ye not that this beer has a much higher alcohol content than in the states). I’ll support my bro, who’s feeling anxious because he hasn’t rehearsed much this week. Anything else is just a bit of on-the-spot excitement.

I have received my author’s copy of the magazine that published my story. And a swan song letter from the editors. Figures. Someone publishes me and they go out of business. Oooo, don’t pick that one up, Beeps. Not. your. fault. I am NOT a jinx, I am NOT a jinx…I am disturbed that I have to put that as a negative statement rather than a positive one. Shows I’m struggling with it. Fuck. Can’t even come up with a positive on that. Help would be appreciated.

Loads of work to tackle this weekend. Enough to spend all my waking hours on – though I won’t do that. I’m gonna have me time in there, too, even if that means some stuff doesn’t get done. Prioritize! No idea how to; everything seems to need my time and attention equally. From the scum in the bathroom sink to trying to upload music; it all has priority under SOME parameter. So I’ll do what I rarely do; I’m gonna tackle them in reverse immediacy. Take on the long term work first and finish up with the short term shit. I’m tryin’ to live more long term, think about setting things up for future fun, health, and wealth. Shit. Does that mean I finally am growing up? Hm. If I develop that ‘old person’ look in my face I’m gonna drop this and go back to now, now, now. I don’t want this future-planning crap to scar me, and grown ups always look scarred. I’m getting that they’re often scared, too, which isn’t something I generally carry around in my thoughts. I don’t usually look at my instructors and think about how nervous THEY are trying to teach me.

On my way home today I was witness to a small scene of violence. It was all in Dutch, and I was more than happy to see 20-30 people jump into it to break it up. For the sake of honesty, I gotta admit to how shook up I was afterwards. Took quite a while walking and talking myself down from an immediate RAGE that flooded me. Not the reaction I wanted from myself. Thought that tiger was asleep, but I see she’s been up and pacing in her cage. She’s ready to pounce at any time. Guess my lucky streak has been better than I thought. Must make a note to be ready to haul her in if she shows her fangs. Otherwise, I will 100% for sure run into something that will piss me off to no end. Shaking, spitting, yelling, barely controlling my rage…It’s all right there, just beneath this smiling surface.

Ready to blow.

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17 thoughts on “Ready To Blow

  1. Ah, play time is very high priority in my house. When I get too grumpy I am ordered to go play games.

    Yeah, don’t think my RA will let me sleep less. It’s still wracking my bod with pain; ow. Not that I’m in favor of sleeping that much. I ought to be able to just go. Maybe a good thing the RA is there…keeps me sleeping every night. Never thought I’d say THAT!

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    1. Doubtful. Dutch can sound very aggressive; that’s for sure. But it lacks real hard sounds. Something I find HILARIOUS is when Dutch people talk in Dutch and then suddenly break out in ‘fuck off’ in English. Like saying it in English is more satisfying.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, I like ’em: don’t get me wrong. Finding I like the Dutch a LOT, tho it’s also hard for me at times because I was brought up to LIE when people asked me things. You know; social niceties taken to an extreme. That’s being stripped from my thoughts and language. I’m becoming more forthright, more upfront and honest. Hopefully, also a bit tactful. I don’t want to be a wanker…or whatever the Dutch equivalent is.

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  2. Go out and have fun! Or – I hope you HAD fun if you’ve already been out and I’m late to the party.

    On another note – about that asshole magazine that had the NERVE to fold after publishing you. It sounds perfectly normal to me to have this knee-jerk response of: OF FUCKING COURSE BECAUSE I’M ________ (fill in the blank). But it wasn’t you. You know inside it wasn’t you. It was happening anyway…a magazine doesn’t just suddenly up and implode without lots of prior meetings and planning. So. If possible, feel pleased that you got something good out of them while they were still going. You’ve got another publication under your belt! Congrats! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re not too late; it’s only going on 4 p.m. here.

      And you’re right about the ‘zine, too. One good thought; they put my story next to last. Must have thought it was worthy of being close to the last thing you think about when you read the issue. 🙂

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  3. Isn’t everything always just beneath our smiling surface? I just said to my psychologist today, “I’m really good at hiding my crazy,” to which he replied, “I can see that.” You got this. You know what you’re doing. You know to prioritize. Whether you do it or not doesn’t matter. Just knowing puts you ahead of where you may have been a few months ago.

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    1. Yeah, you’re right. I was just caught off guard by how fast my anger bubbled up and how all-consuming it was….the day was great up to that point. I turned it into a reminder for me. I’ve been flying so high I really thought I had no anger. But yes, I do, and I need to remember that.

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