Early mornings make me poetic. Man, the spew of fanciful phrases that go through my head as I take that walk to the pool! This morning it was a very chill 2C. The clouds looked like ice mountains hanging in the sky and the wind chaffed my unprotected ears. Then it was water time, and my thoughts centered on my breath. I have to concentrate only on breathing when I swim; as soon as my head starts somewhere else I lose my rhythm and start to gasp for air. Just complete focus: breathe in, face in the water and slo-o-ow breath out. A simple mechanical thing I ask my body to do every Tuesday, and damn! It takes effort.
Can’t help but feel that I set myself up again, that the Universe is up there fucking laughing its ass off at me. Or giving me chance after chance to rise above the box I was raised in. Either way, karma sucks. After spewing out here about being smart yet feeling dumb, particularly around my family, I got an echo of the past from my brother. His words when I suggested we go over our homework together: “I don’t want to get programmed with the wrong answers. I’d rather wait for class and do it myself.” I am of two minds (normal for me): I’m pissed off that he doesn’t trust me even after the instructor pointed out that my knowledge of Dutch is better than his, and I’m also glad that he’s not relying on me. Got to say, my bro really tripped my triggers by not even letting me explain that GOING OVER THE HOMEWORK DIDN’T MEAN GIVING HIM THE FUCKING ANSWERS. But hey. He wants to struggle all by himself; let him. I’ll do my own thing. Maybe I’ll get someone else from the class to be a study buddy. I find two minds discussing and thinking about ANY problem to be more beneficial than doing it alone.
Yeah, it was an ow-ie. It hurt. At least we went through the first two speaking lessons together.
Out of (probable) spite, I then went on to go through all the local papers and advertising that come to the house. I find the ads are particularly helpful; product pictures make it easy to understand what they’re talking about, and seeing it over and over again in ad form has really cemented some words into me. Spent half an hour puzzling over some write-ups on seasonal beers (YUM), but eventually got through it. I don’t expect myself to really remember any of the new words I sweated over and looked up in the dictionary, but eventually I’ll get it. Everybody seems amazed at me right now when I pipe up with anything in Dutch. But, you know. I push myself in that as much as anything else. ‘Cause if there’s one thing I don’t like to do, it’s not giving my all. Trying my best, doing everything I can. That’s one piece of advice mom gave me long ago: don’t do anything half-assed (her words). Well, I put my whole ass into what I do. And a big ass it is, too. 😉
Oh. And here’s a random piece of advice from me to you, gleaned over the years:
Never be afraid to make an ass of yourself. You will always, at some time or other, come off as an ass. Embrace it.
Dance. Dance when you’re alone, dance when you’re waiting for the bus or the lift. Sing out loud. Sing badly. Make bad jokes. Pun around. Get some groans. Shout out the wrong answer. Just go outside your comfort zone. Not all the time, but make a habit of doing it once in a while, like cleaning out your closet. Embrace The Fool, step forward off the cliff even though you know there won’t be any ground to support you. ‘Cause sometimes, you’ll find you can fly.
I’ve been flying for a while now. High on social contact, high in general. Had yet another social tidbit after my swim; one of the women asked me to join her for a tea and a chat. !!!!!! It was probably nothing to her, just one of many social contacts SHE’LL make today. For me, it made the fucking day. Entirely. Speaking. Communicating. I claim my gold star for the day. I opened up and told her I’m probably bipolar and currently manic. Thank you, Goddess; she was/is a kind and empathetic soul. She’s originally from the states but married a Dutch man and moved here years ago. With a couple of kids, she’s very busy and so politely (and right up front) told me that her private time was important to her so she wouldn’t always be willing to spend an hour after class talking, that I was both floored and set completely at ease. So cool. The prospect of having casual friends, people I can have a chat and a coffee with, is very tantalizing. My life is getting fuller. Not stuffed with non-toxic food filler people, but real sustaining sink your teeth into it kind of relationships. I hope so, anyway. Every smile and kind word makes me feel a little safer.
And the cherry on top? MyPrime got in Season 6 of Drop Dead Diva. I so need sassy/sexy big girls right now! If I gotta be a bigger size than I want to be, that’s the way I want to carry it. Complete and utter attitude. You’d be LUCKY to have all THIS. *appropriately sassy gesture* Now fly, my pretties. Momma’s gonna go and do her thang…