Happiness Challenged

Yesterday I hit that ‘can’t do this anymore’ point about 6 p.m. Could not sit down anymore, could not rest anymore, could not NOT smoke anymore. I did my best to treat my addict side….guess I might as well ADMIT my addict side. That half joint in my ashtray got smoked. I rolled another thin one and nursed it, taking hits like a newbie – light hit with a lot of air and then cough, cough. Felt bad about it, but I’d already snapped at my bro (for no reason) and I felt like I looked like this:


I could hardly have that attitude walking into evening telly! Especially on a Doctor Who night. So I did it, I smoked. The good thing is that yes, my smoking is waaaaaaaay down from what it was. Good on me; I didn’t just pick up and start puffing away like a mad eejit. Guess I’ll have to do this in small increments. Maybe when my doc comes back from holiday I’ll ask her about some help. A patch or some gum or some such shit. Ugh. I don’t really feel up to tackling my smoking. I just wanted to cut back. That I’ve done.

My brother has threatened to start getting up even earlier this week. Like myself, he’s now got a bit of a life; things to do and places to be at by a certain time. Rotterdam IS a working city. You find none of that all night partying nonsense that’s in Amsterdam. Here, pretty much everybody is shut down by midnight during the week ’cause tomorrow is a work day. That works for me, and in the past my bro would deal with it and sleep right past the time that everyone was up. But now, he wants to GET UP in the mornings. Yeesh! Not like I can re-wire my brain to be at that slightly punch drunk free wheelin’ writing stage at any other time of day. If I could, I’d do it right now. My sacred mornings are soon to be shattered. So guess who’s pushing herself to get up even earlier? Don’t want to give up blogging first thing. It clears up the debris that’s accumulated in the corners of my brain overnight. Sweeps up all the dust bunnies. I feel clearer and more purposeful after blogging, like I’ve settled something in my own mind. Time, time, time is the issue once again.

I’m not a fast writer. If I was, I’d have more books and stories out there. I be slow. Or rather, I have long periods where nothing goes on paper (or computer) and then a fast push where a lot comes out. I’m inconsistent. That’s more accurate – inconsistent. And of course I’ve been told that’s a bad thing, that I can never be a full time writer because of it because I just can’t churn stuff out at the pace the modern world tells me I have to. That’s a load, told to me by people who are (1) jealous and (2) incapable of understanding how a bipolar artist works. Goddamn! Margaret Mitchell only wrote one book in her life. She didn’t have a follow up to ‘Gone with the Wind’. Yet SHE’S known as an author. These days if you don’t shit a book out every other year you don’t earn that title. Same with everything else. Want to be known as an actor or musician? Better keep producing your stuff, going on tour, working your ass off every single fucking minute of every single fucking day. Don’t think you’ll have a life, ’cause that will take you out of the spotlight and how dare you anyway! Thinking you could have a fucking life AND be an artist at the same fucking time! Geez!

This modern microwave world moves too goddamn fast. Nice for some things, yes. Getting a message from my friend half way around the world just seconds after they send it, well, that IS nice. But for everything else, it sucks. Doing something well takes time. There’s no getting around it, no ‘life hacks’ to make it go faster. You want QUALITY? Then you gotta take the time. And there’s the problem: we’re inundated with shitty products that don’t stand the test of time. Think Justin Bieber’s “Baby” is still gonna be around and played in twenty years? Or Britney Spears? Do you really imagine the new batch of superhero films will be remembered as ground breaking cinema? No. None of that will stand the test of time. None of it will be remembered in five years, much less twenty. There’s books out there I forget the plot of just days after reading because they are so similar to a thousand other stories. There are films I’ve seen and completely forgotten about until they come on again and get 15 minutes into the plot and then I say ‘oh! I’ve seen this’. And music? Well, there’s a good reason some comedians sing medleys of pop songs – because they’re all based on the same 3 chords and you can sing every single one of them over a repeating phrase. Yes, it’s funny and I laugh my ass off. And yes, it’s tragic because it shows how LOW we’ve all sunk.

Sometimes I think we’re on the brink of cultural collapse. Rome is going down in flames. We stand on the edge of a new Dark Ages, where might is the only right and knowledge is a thing that takes too long to pursue. Standards are dropping, and dropping fast. I think the film ‘Jackass 2.5’ is proof of that. When did the idiots take control? And why do we keep voting them into office? Disparity in income is matched by disparity in general knowledge. We are all fools on a fool’s errand.

*sigh* I guess I AM grumpy this morning…Excuse me, I’m happiness challenged. Anyone else?


16 thoughts on “Happiness Challenged

    1. In a lot of ways, they’re one and the same thing. When I’m writing I prefer writing and when I’m in music I prefer music. I guess I’m as bipolar with that as I am with anything else!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That makes sense. You seem to go all in 🙂 I wonder if all the past creative geniuses were told there was something wrong with them and given some pills what we would be left without today. Strange world.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I know what you mean. Van Gogh, Da Vinci… would they have been able to do what they did if they were medicated to ‘normal’? I kind of doubt it. Which leads right to my fears over medication. I’m on a good roll these days and I don’t want to lose it. But my thoughts about medications flip as fast as bipolar. One day I want them, the next I don’t. Hoping I can find a good middle ground. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Have you ever found yourself at a “normal” and it feels completely abnormal? I don’t like the extremes, but a little up or down is fine. Normal, it’s just weird.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Nor-mal? 😉 I don’t know that I’ve ever been ‘normal’. That’s the hard part. Am I normal when I’m slightly melancholy or am I normal when I’m slightly agitated? No idea. I think I may suffer a lot of mixed episodes. Usually I feel several things at once and can’t even sort out if I’m happy, sad, or angry.

        I CAN say that if being in this state of flux is my ‘normal’ (whatever that looks like), when I’m not there yes, it feels weird. Like I’m cut off from myself or something. Haven’t had many times when my emotions are just quiet and flat. I tend to worry about myself when I get like that. lol! I don’t think it’s healthy. How strange is that?

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m frequently happiness challenged, especially as I have been very sick for the past 7 days.
    I love the cat meme you chose – the expression is priceless.

    Oh, how I wish I had some profound words of wisdom or inspiration to share with you, but unfortunately all I have is: “You’re not alone.” (And I also wanted to share that I’m not a fast writer either. I’ve technically been working on my 1st book since 2008! I’m more snail than human at that rate.)

    take care and sending you good thoughts from the Santa Cruz Mountains,
    capital of banana slugs and apparently Bigfoot

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I thought I answered this – whoops! I’m full speed ahead now; just got derailed by the 7 hospitalizations since 2008. But I finally founds meds that worked in 2013 and I’ve been writing ever since… :))) first my blog, and then back to my book! Speaking of which, I’m going to go work on it now with my canine muse Lucy by my side. (She actually sits on the floor by me – it’s so sweet!!!) Hope this finds you well and I’ll catch up with your blog asap!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No problem, Dyane. Glad to hear from someone who’s on meds that work AND who can keep writing. So often I read blogs or comments from people who feel zombied out from meds! Give Lucy a loving pat for me and let us all know when the book comes out. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my goodness, you’re able to write every single morning? That’s awesome. Just that is awesome. I think about writing for hours…no, days! Then I sit with my laptop and stare at the screen rewording the words I haven’t even plugged into the screen. Loved this though. So enjoy reading how other people cope. I do have one comment though…I’m pretty sure Iron Man will be remembered 5 years from now 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! I read this at 6:30 a.m. and was in danger of waking up the neighbors with laughter. Good call on Iron Man. Let’s face it: I don’t know if Stan the Man will let any of us forget his characters as long as he’s alive. Look how many re-remakes there are of Spiderman. 😉

      As for writing every morning, yep. I’ve got into the habit of it now. I used to stare at the page and get nowhere. Now I just start to type. Not always as easy as I make it sound, but blogging has been a MAJOR factor in moving ahead with this. I think when I finally started to curse properly in my writing I let go of something. Sounds weird, I know, but whatever it was that kept holding me back was tied to putting ‘fuck’ or ‘shit’ or ‘goddamn’ on the page. I felt like a giggly teen at first, cursing and hoping her parents wouldn’t hear. Now it’s just part of the flow.


  3. WOW Andrew! What a great fucking quote!! I want that everywhere – on a poster, a t-shirt, and tattooed on my forehead.

    My mornings have got earlier, that’s for sure. 6 a.m. is now a regular thing. I think I need blinders more than mufflers; it’s seeing him up that throws me. Of course, his manic chatter doesn’t help, either. Hoping that I’ll be able to get some writing done while he’s at his martial arts classes in the early evening. If that’s a bust, well, there’s always 5 a.m…

    Liked by 1 person

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