Just moments off writing a story, something that may be great. Read it through and it brought me to shaky tears. I obviously captured something there. Odd to be so pleased about being reduced to such misery. It’s a weird blend of personal shit mixed with what I hope is precise literature.
So, one down. That was a story that’s really been haunting me since the moment I thought of it. But then, it’s one of those stories. It’s a metaphor for a larger concept, one I’ve often been reluctant to address: violence against women.
I tend to downplay what I went through, to say it wasn’t so bad because I’ve seen so much worse. But the psychological warfare I went through is still fresh in my mind. The man who hit me just reinforced all the negative things I saw in myself. That, I think, is why it was so hard to leave him. He never said anything to me that my own head hadn’t been shouting for many years. It was like everything that pulls me down became personified for a few years. He told me I couldn’t find anyone who’d care about me, and I believed it. He told me no one else would ever find me attractive, and I believed it. He told me many things that I believed. And it kept me there for far too long. I let it happen because I believed what he told me. I felt I deserved what I got.
Sorry….Still deep in what that story brought up. Now’s the time the artist takes a deep breath and looks around. *looks around* I am no longer in that space or time. My life is completely different. I’ve taken that pain and created something horrible and beautiful to behold, and it’s wonderful. Let it go; you captured it.
Got an email today from the open mic venue. They say I’ve got some time, but keep it short. Must be a lot of sign ups this month. That’s fine; what I’m reading is only 500 words. I’ll do a little timing this afternoon, but I expect to read it aloud in less than 10 minutes. It’s a raw piece; one of those new ugly/beautiful things I’ve been birthing. Really important for me to remember today of ALL days to let go of my expectations. I will read, if no one goes over their time. Maybe some people will listen. Maybe. My job is to read it, to let the words loose in the air. This reading is for me, not for the audience. If I was reading for the audience, I’d go for light-hearted and funny. This is dark. Chances are, if anyone actually listens to me I’ll bring ’em down. It doesn’t matter. I have to speak my words aloud, once. And if it doesn’t happen tonight, I’ll wait patiently until I have the opportunity to do what I need to do.
Ohm. Everybody, breathe.
Speaking of emails, I still have not receive an answer I’ve been waiting on. It’s Friday now, so I guess maybe next week? Horrible how impatient I am. I want the answer now, now, now, so I can keep progressing. Once again, drop the expectations, girl. Seems like the Universe is throwing everything she’s got at me now that I’ve got the hang of it.
Yesterday I learned to say no to a line of discussion I found depressing. I learned to walk in unexpected rain without getting angry about being wet. I learned to go into shops and look at things without guilt, not just gaze at something through the window.
I ran my body until it got too cold.
No hunger, just cold. Cold fingers, cold face, cold everything. Eat something, stupid. Still no heat. Have some coffee. Mummify in a blanket. Finally, warmth. Distract, distract, distract. Watch the over-obvious film plot. Duh. Then off to bed, not tired but not alert, either. Darkness, sounds. At some point, sleep. Awake. Darkness, sounds.
Up three hours now. I might have breakfast after this post. Can’t get down more than half what I was eating. I have no idea what’s going on right now in my body but geez! It’s really resetting some internal clock right now. My only concern is to make sure I don’t run myself until I almost faint AGAIN. Did that in a VERY public place. Oh, man. The looks I remember seeing on people’s faces as I passed by. Like they thought I was gonna DIE or something. Do. not. need. to do. that. again.
But burn that blubber, body. I’m ready to be slim again.
Gotta pull my head out of big primary colors today and FOCUS a bit. I feel challenged to face the day head on. The storms have come through and washed the city clean. Autumn is here now, evident in chill leaching from the windows and the eggshell blue of the sky. Shakespeare’s witches are churning their cauldrons, as all witches do. Time for bat-form, time to run as the wolf. For this season, the prey becomes the hunter. She is wonderful and horrible to behold, this fierce warrior. She is the seasoned general, no longer lashing out but planning, plotting, moving with forethought and becoming all the more deadly for it. Her scars are worn openly, proudly. This is who she is, and she is not afraid to embrace the ALL of what that means.
I am wearing a black t-shirt tonight. It is old, and simple, and carries one message to the world for me.
Out of my mind; back in five minutes.
And that, Heather from From Crazy With Love, is my Day 1 quote of the day. Thanks for nominating me! Here be the rules, matey:
- Tip yer hat to the guv’ner that nominated ye.
- For three days ye be bound to include a single gem of a quote on yer blog. This swag can come from anyplace; it can be stolen booty or somethin’ ye fashioned with yer own two hands.
- Ye must nominate three souls each day to carry on wit’ yer piratin’ ways. These souls be not bound to the covenant upon naming; they must take up the task of sea-farin’ men one and all by themselves.
So be ye strong enough to consider the challenge? Here be my nominations for the day: