Happy Feet



Oh, all caps don’t even come close to what’s going on with me right now. I thought, at first, it was a standard thanks but no thanks rejection e-mail. I had to read the first two sentences twice before I realized that they had accepted my short story and included a contract for me to fill in. Then I cried. I actually cried, and am still close to tears. Validation. Someone LIKES my writing, enough to pony up a few quid for it. I know it’s a short story, little pay, small publication. I know all that but someone LIKES my stuff. And for the first time in a very long time, I’ll have a little bit of cash I can hang onto and say ‘I earned this. No one just gave it to me. I earned it.’ Oh my goddess, to do that! To be able to say that! What a difference in my self-esteem to just SAY that once in a while. I earned money. Oh, goddess, I can’t thank you enough for this feeling. Could we please try to make it NOT hinge on someone else’s opinion of my work, though?

I’m now in orbit, and have NO idea what I was going to grouse about today. Probably somethin’. But what can I say? I’m ready to get out of this chair and do my happy dance around the neighborhood I feel so good.

I wanna go on and on. This is when I become insufferable to some people, because I get so excited I can barely discuss anything else. But I’m gonna try to stop here. I know how hard it can be to read about someone else reaching a milestone (and I was just complaining about a lack of sign posts in yesterday’s blog).

I’m gonna need to open my own bank account. Been living here for over a year and still don’t have one. Haven’t needed one, tho I’ve wanted one because so many places here do transactions via PIN rather than cash. Woohoo! Guess I know what my errand today is. It’ll be handy to finally have a bank account. I know it’ll be one of those accounts where nothing much happens all year round. It’s the principle of the thing, you know? That little bit of independence that tells me I’m not a complete drain on society. And maybe I’ll get a few more little deposits in there over the next year. 🙂

Me, me, me. When you write 5 paragraphs and 4 start with ‘I’, you know you’re focusing on yourself.

Had a rather strange yet touching moment with my brother yesterday. Came back from a few errands in the afternoon and he casually asked me if I was planning to move. Move what, I asked, confused. He then confessed that he’d seen I’d friended a relocation specialist on LinkedIn and wondered if I was planning on moving away. It was strange, the way he asked it. It was touching because upon reflection, I realized he asked me what he did and how he did because he was freaking scared to death I was going to say yes, I want to move away and leave him. It made me sad to think he’d think I’d abandon him, and it made me happy because I knew in that moment how important I was to him, and he’s not the kind of person to put that kind of thing into words. Weird, I know. I try not to judge it.

Friday. Still loads to do if I can get my feet back on the ground. Those good old basics that keep me going on a daily basis are still there: dishes, laundry, cleaning. I hate those chores and yet I’m thankful for them, for the utter dependence I have on them. It’s like the sun; I expect it to be there and damn! It’s never let me down yet. Same with dishes and laundry and cleaning. Like, no matter how high I fly those chores remain to remind me that despite any ups (or downs) LIVING goes on. Somedays I hate that. Today I’ll use it as an anchor.

Had a Dutch helper come over yesterday. My brother has apparently qualified for some assistance now that he’s diagnosed as ADHD. He’s actually got a person who is helping him sort through tax issues and just stuff we don’t fully understand yet. She’s helping us find some language classes, and helping my brother cut through the red tape with his doctors. I’m pretty gob-smacked by the whole thing. I didn’t meet her the first time, but I hung around yesterday. She’s actually CONCERNED about my brother’s health. She made a few comments regarding his anxiety showing me that she’s paying close attention to him. Had a bit of a laugh when she walked in and I greeted her in flawless Dutch. I know it’s flawless because when I do it everyone thinks I MUST speak the language and they go on with long sentences I only get 40% of. But she took the time to let me get through a few stilted sentences with her, which I appreciate. I know I’m really slow when I speak. That’s part of my problem: I feel like everyone else is impatient with how slow I am. And I know I mispronounce a lot of words. I get close, but I’m learning more from reading than from hearing, so I also know I’m not getting the correct nuances of pronunciation. Got my fingers crossed right now; she told us about some language classes close by that will charge €2-3 each class. It’s partially financed by the government in order to help immigrants integrate into Dutch society. So maybe we can get everything sorted out and start classes soon.

Went on my errands after the woman left. I started off a little angry. A little? Okay, a part of me wanted to grind my teeth in frustration. I’d planned on sitting down and writing yesterday afternoon. The errand that came up was unexpected. So I was on the metro, my head in music, and I reminded myself that I could sit there and throw out enough anger that everyone would avoid me OR I could drop it and enjoy what the day had to offer. I chose to drop it. The day didn’t give me too much. It was pissing rain and public transport was crowded. I saw nothing extraordinary. I spoke to cashiers only. Still, I kept thinking how much nicer it was to just do what I needed to do rather than stomp around all angry because I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. I think I did good. *pat on my back*

Still flyin’ high. The day is fine, so I think I’ll indulge in a walk and some dreamtime. I’ll let myself fantasize today, to celebrate. Hell, this time the fantasy is based on a little reality! I’m gonna go out and SMILE at the world. Just take my happy feet on out and dance away…


8 thoughts on “Happy Feet

    1. Thanks, Sabrosona. It’s odd being on this side of the fence, so I took a sip from your cup of envy – just to see how it tasted from this side. And yeah, it was sweet. Thanks for passing it my way. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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