Make Me a Stone

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Discovered the source of my ongoing foot pain late yesterday: I developed a blister under a callus on my foot. Had to cut it open – twice. Good news is I took an hour and 20 minute walk today and my feet feel pretty damned pain free.

Still having sleep problems. According to my bro, who’s strictly a night owl, I was conscious and hearing everything up to 3-4 a.m Friday night. Weird state; I was completely aware, completely conscious of each and every noise but also very relaxed. Almost a self hypnosis state…Anyway, seems I finally slept somewhere after 4 a.m. and got up before 7. Last night I feel I actually slept 7 hours…mostly. Other than the tossing and turning…

Tomorrow I see my GP. Last counseling center bounced me out, claiming they weren’t able to even test me for bipolar. So back to my huisarts to talk about their recommendation. Not really sure I want to do this. Been in vacillation mode for a while now…My current manic cycle is not helping. I want to stay here and get some things done! Hells bells, right now I can handle my swimming, extra walking, even contemplating those dreaded abdominals I hate to do. PLUS I’m getting stuff sorted around the house, put away, organized. If I could stay in this mode for another 6 months I could probably sort the entire house, lose the weight I’ve wanted to lose, and get my recordings done all at the same time. Do I really want to give ALL that up just for a few extra hours of sleep right now? Nope. Rather just ride the walrus. Get the fucking jobs DONE I want done and then they can fuck with medications and shit that will slow me down.

Do ya think they’ll let me?

Wish Rotterdam had some 24 hour places. It’s pretty good, but it’s a working class city. Stuff opens 8-9 and closes 11 to midnight. I need a 24 hour grocery store at least. Could have got all the shopping done this morning, or even last night.

Who da fuck am I kidding? NOTHING is moving fast enough right now. NOTHING. My games are soooooo slow I can barely sit still long enough to play a round. Never been so thankful or happy for new Drop Dead Diva on MyPrime. But I’ve almost burnt them out…only 6 more episodes to go. New stuff is loaded in the system, but that means I’ll need to sift through to find something new enough, funny enough, and fast enough to keep my head occupied for at least 40 minutes at a time. Not an easy thing to do.

Completely off topic: BBC should allow the next Doctor Who to be a woman. It’s time.

More scatter-shot: met a new cat friend today. Long haired tabby. 🙂 I’m happy. Love cats, love cats, love cats. Love dogs, too, but they’re different: dogs can be kind of slutty. They play with anyone who they think will play with them. So yes, I love dogs. But cats…If a cat chooses to let you near it, it’s a far different thing. I’ve met a few social cats. A FEW. Cats tend to be more stand-offish, have a bit more pride. They’re also a bit more fierce in their loyalty when they finally give it. Got to love them for their marshmallow centers.

*sigh* I am NOT proud of yesterday’s tirade. My triggers are now in the off position and I’ve cooled down. I saw something important in all of it, tho, something important for me TO see: the way I reacted. My confusion, my decisions. My need to at first NOT make waves. My quick anger following that decision up. My rant and tirade, the result of the quick decision and resulting anger.

I see clearly: I need to step back when I’m confused. Do NOTHING for a while. Consider all the angles. I like to kid myself that I do that, but obviously I don’t. Because my first reaction was to try to make a ‘kidding’ type of comment back. Even tho it hurt. I wanted to hide what I really felt, because the comment came from someone following me and I was afraid – fucking AFRAID – for split second over losing a follower. Had to remind myself that I didn’t start this for followers or fame; I do THAT shit under another name and persona. I started this place to be honest with myself. The fact that anyone can read it…No, it really doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t matter that someone who really wants to find out who I am can if they try. The illusion of anonymity is enough to set me free, and that’s what I really need. But I was willing to give up what I need out here to keep a fucking follower. THAT’S my fucking problem, right there. Goddamn people pleaser in me, wanting that fucking approval no matter how much it fucking hurts me to get it.

Nope. Not gonna let it fucking happen.

Yesterday’s post stands, my words stand. I ain’t nice, and I ain’t tryin’ to be nice. I’m trying to say all the shit that’s been bundled up for so long it makes me cry day in and day out. I’m trying to get it OUT ’cause I don’t WANT this confusion or anger or the ups and downs or the feeling of continuous FAILURE in my fucking life anymore.

And still I cannot settle, I cannot be still. I think sometimes people see me and think I AM still when I’m like this: that was berated into me. I am not still. My ass in on the chair but my mind is moving, moving, moving and won’t stop anywhere long enough for me to have anything more than a passing interest in things. I start to listen to a song, get half way through and have to change it because I need something new. I’m getting STUCK because I don’t know what to do next. What to capture my own head in for a few hours. Fuck.

Please, god, make me a stone.

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5 thoughts on “Make Me a Stone

  1. With all these busy thoughts in mind no wonder why you couldn’t sleep at night :D.

    Your post title actually reminds me of a poem by Emily Dickinson:

    The soul selects her own society,
    Then shuts the door;
    On her divine majority
    Obtrude no more.

    Unmoved, she notes the chariot’s pausing
    At her low gate;
    Unmoved, an emperor is kneeling
    Upon her mat.

    I’ve known her from an ample nation
    Choose one;
    Then close the valves of her attention
    Like stone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🙂 I’m afraid my source is far more Hollywood sap; it’s from the film Serenity. I just felt it was a beautiful statement; the desire for all to stop, all feeling, all pain. To become a rock: untouched by human misery. It hits close to home for me.

      And yeah….just a bit wound up…

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh! Love that one, too. They’re actually good polar opposite sayings for bipolar phases; manic and I AM a leaf on the wind, soaring. Depressed and I do pray to be turned to stone. Hm. Joss Whedon, do you want to tell us something? 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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