I recently got a link from painkills2 for Out of the Fog (thanks, painkills2). Here’s the link: https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/CPTSD.html. It was suggested I may be suffering from complex post traumatic stress disorder, and this site offers a lot of very valuable information.
For me, it was another checklist: yes, yep, do that all the way down the article. I realize painkills2 is probably correct in thinking I’ve got CPTSD. What I can’t work out is whether my problems are stemming only from CPTSD or whether I’ve got bipolar in the mix as well. I know: questions like that are what doctors are for. I just feel like I can’t wait another 6 months before someone speaks to me and tries to figure me out. I need/want help now, not a year from now. So I continue to try and self help anyway I can: through reading material, blogging, talking to my brother, and a whole lotta thinking. This HAS helped me: I may still feel the same way, but at least with this blog I seem to be able to get closer to the real reasons why I’m feeling the way I do. When my brother gets up I can speak clearly to him about what’s bothering me. So in that respect I’m making great progress.
Today I want to talk about control. I grew up with control freaks – both my mother and my sister demanded complete control of every situation. And they got it, cause nobody – including me – challenged them. I had many, many nightmares of being ‘out of control’: the classic sitting in the back seat of a car while it’s moving, or being on an insane roller coaster. I know when I steamroll over people it’s control that’s really my target: there are times when I feel I must do it all by myself, without help from anyone. Help would be cheating, it would mean I’m less than able, inadequate.
But control is an illusion. Here’s the thing: none of us are really in control. We can’t control anything, though we continue to create the illusions in our lives that we do. We can’t control if we make it to an appointment on time or not. We TRY to control it, we try to allow extra time so if an emergency pops up we still make our deadlines but that is all an illusion. At any time on our journey we could be killed, injured – any number of possibilities crop up as you begin to think about them. And frankly, if you look at the mathematics you’d realize what I’m saying is true. The fact that any of us make it anywhere we try to go is pure chance. And making it on time? Well, then you’re adding variables to the mix, which overall lowers your chances of doing it.
I guess this is rankling in my soul because I recently read the risk of some cancers is now 50-50. In other words, despite all your good intentions, despite eating organic and using natural cleaning products, despite not smoking or suntanning, you’ve still got a 50% chance of kicking it by cancer. Now isn’t that fucking marvelous?
*sigh* Unfortunately, the mathematics bear out for all aspects of life. You’re fucking lucky your computer started up this morning just to sign in and read this nonsense.
Truth is, the only control we can ever hope to achieve is over our own reactions. Emotive responses are chemical so there is no controlling them, only not acting out because of them. Therein lies the trick of life. Humans are fucked from the beginning, you know. The higher the intelligence, the more likely an animal will suffer psychological problems. We’ve sickened ourselves with ideas of society and morality. Yet, we need society and morality in order to move forward as a species. A double bind; no wonder so many of us suffer similar things in the micro circles of our own lives.
…Control. Putting aside my cerebral arguments, however sound they may be….I have no control over several areas in my life and it sickens me. My progress in these areas is slow at best. I can’t control when the doctors will finally see me. I can’t control my own finances (residence permit but no work permit). I can’t control whether or not my sister is bad mouthing me to the rest of the world. These are the things I hate. I work to be patient, to plan and construct a real income producing lifestyle, and to just let go and not care what’s said about me. I feel sometimes that’s all I do; work on these things. If I got paid for trying to help myself I’d be a rich woman, indeed.
I know it’s my choice whether or not I let other people or life or circumstances control me. I know the choice I want to make. I hope I have the strength to carry it through.