maybe we got shit to talk about

2 days of headaches coming and going. Can’t pin it down; might be that old mechanical neck pain flaring up, might be the psychological merry go round I’ve been riding lately.

Up one minute, down the next. Crying, then laughing. Starving with hunger, then not hungry at all. Falling asleep in front of the tv, then unable to settle down.

Don’t have an outside job I MUST go to, so I can hide it. My brother sees it, of course. He’s worried. Spends more time coming out and talking to me lately. My cycling up and down sets off his mania. Not a pretty cycle in the house right now. Soooooooooo very happy we’re here in NL. Our smoke bill is pretty high, but it’s not like we’re stoned all the time….We’re both running so fast right now it’s the only thing keeping our feet on the ground.

Digestive problems. A lot. Mornings are not a problem; coffee and oatmeal do not set me off. Night time meals do. Burp every 5 minutes for 1-2 hours after eating. Burp every 15 minutes for another 3 hours after that. Then it’s down to burping a couple times an hour. Oh, and burps are big Ren and Stimpy burps, complete with wrenches and bones flying out of mouth.

Managed to make some headway with my latest music despite everything. Feel good about that. Not moving fast enough to satisfy my inner need, tho. I am slow, slow, slow with this and the engineering problems that keep cropping up are NOT helping me get through it.

Remember feeling a calm zen yesterday after a crying outburst, but it’s like a dream forgotten in the jumble I currently find myself. Bleh. I may or may not have a counseling session today; I don’t really know. I received a phone call last week to schedule an appointment. The only English I got was ‘next Monday’ and even if an English speaker says that to an English speaker, well, they’d better get clarity on which bloody Monday they mean! So I’ll head off today, and if it’s not the right Monday I’ll suffer the embarrassment I’m already ready for. I’m not mentally ready for the appointment, tho.

Last time, I prepped. I thought about the visit, about what might be asked of me, about how I might respond. I thought about the things I wanted to make sure to talk about. I haven’t done any of that right now and I have no oomph to pull it together and do it in the next few hours. I barely feel like I can get dressed and get out into the rain to the office today…. I also know that chances are very high that once I do get outside walking a bit, my mood is going to skyrocket and I’ll barely be able to contain myself by the time I get to the office. Fuck.

Was I tired there for a moment? Did I actually think to myself that all I wanted to do was go back to bed? Yes, I did. And now it’s gone. Now I’m awake. Ride the pony up; it’s so much more fun than the downside. Yippee! How ya doing? GREAT! Upset about anything? No! What’s there to be upset about?

*mental wave of sluggishness*

Oh, that. Yeah, maybe we got shit to talk about.


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