Back out here to the safety of anonymity. To the place I can say anything, because no one knows who I am. I never knew how freeing this could be. I used to try to do this on my own computer, just in a digital diary. It wasn’t the same. Because all the time I was writing, I was thinking ‘What if I die tomorrow? The people closest to me will find this and read it – ALL of it.’ It stopped me from being honest, it coerced me to write justifications, it basically held me hostage (or the people pleaser in me did; wish I could kill her off once and for all). Yeah, I know: if I die tomorrow now, someone I know will end up finding this blog because notifications DO get routed to my actual e-mail. But somehow it’s different. Maybe it’s just the psychological distance offered by a blog; it’s not on MY computer. Whatever. So here’s my ugly thoughts for the day.
Ugly thought number 1: Colon cancer. My mother had, and watching her scared the shit out of me. Ever since I’ve been paranoid about it. I’m also horrified at a colonoscopy, so I kind of feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Every bit of excess gas or indigestion sets my mind into a dizzy spiral of fear. And yes, I ate something that bothered me 2 days ago and my system is still excessively gassy and uncomfortable so the thought is there, sizzling away on the back burner of my brain.
Ugly thought number 2: I’m body prejudiced. I don’t want to be. I’m fat right now and I hate it. I’ve been skinny and felt fat because I grew up fat. I understand fat far too well. And when I see a fat person I still think ‘put down that ice cream and take a walk’. I know there are a few people out there who actually do suffer a medical condition responsible for their weight. But most people aren’t like that. I gained weight because I couldn’t walk for a couple of years (again). I ate too much, and I ate fatty stuff during that period because I was depressed over my physical condition and eating chocolate and cookies and cake made me feel better for five minutes. I get that. I also get that the vast majority of overweight people would benefit from eating less calories and exercising more. I fight this every minute, every day. Some days I win and feel great, other days I fail and stuff my face. So yes, I hold fat people responsible for being fat and I think most could do something about it if they only broke out of their cycle.
Ugly thought number 3: The world would benefit immensely if 50% of the human population died right now. That number changes depending on my mood. It’s gone to 100% but never to 0. I guess I don’t think much of people in general.
Ugly thought number 4: The world is in a stranglehold. We are being held hostage by our own kind. Yeah, I know that one’s kind of off the deep end when stated like that. But I make that statement looking through history, not as a knee jerk reaction to current events. History is tricky cause like the saying goes, it’s written by the victors. Actually, it’s written by the people with the largest mouths and the most money. And oddly enough, people with money tend to hang out with people with money. They tend to pass their money and their connections down to their children. And the children tend to repeat what their parents did. So when claims are made over emerging ‘dynasties’, there’s a logical basis to it. The worst thing about it is the feudalistic system was set in motion back in the 80s: thank you, Ronald Reagan. We’re still in trickle down economics. They’ve changed the name because too many people got that private joke: trickle down economics was an insider joke of the rich. They’d keep the money, and what they didn’t need or want they’d piss away on our heads. THAT’S the truth of it. And it’s still going on.
Ugly thought number 5: I will die alone, and no one will come to my funeral. If my brother outlives me, that’s not quite a true statement because he’ll be there. But he’ll be the only one. I’m sad about that. I wanted to change the world when I was young. I wanted to be famous and fabulous. I’m not famous, and I hardly think (most days) that I qualify as fabulous. But when I get sad or afraid of this thought, my dad comes to mind. He didn’t have many people at this funeral. And it was the world’s ignorance, because had more people recognized what a huge heart he had, well…Let’s just say this. Mom had hundreds of people at her funeral, and I think she was a bitch. Dad had a couple of dozen people at his, and he was wonderful. Sounds about right for this unjust, unfair world of ours.
Ugly thought number 6: I’ll never make enough money to support myself. Right now, I can’t legally hold a job in the Netherlands, and that situation is compounding this ugly thought. I can only make money through royalties. So I’ve come up with a plan. Yes, it probably (definitely) started during an ‘up’ period. I’ve been working hard to keep going with it. I took several months to do some research. I know what I have to do and how to do it. I’m just having a hard time motivating myself to get going.
Ugly thought number 7: I’m turning into an old hag. Oh! The struggles I have with my puffiness, dark circles, and wrinkles. The automatic disgust I have looking at my own face some days. I know it’s not even that bad right now cause most people freak when I tell them how old I am. But I’m freaked by it. I’m freaked by seeing the progression of age across my face and body. Hate admitting it. But there it is.
Ugly thought number 8: My brother WILL die before me, ugly thought number 6 will prove true, and I’ll get deported. This one terrorizes me. Stops up my heart, brings tears to my eyes, completely undoes me from the core. I can’t even fully contemplate it because I bug out so badly. Anything I imagine in the aftermath of this disaster is horrific: me “living” on the streets for a very short period of time before I die of exposure, or me jumping off a tall building. I can sometimes spot an older me living alone in a small place. With a few cats. But I can’t see how I get there.
Ugly thought number 9: No one will remember me. I will pass from this life without having impacted anyone. I know this isn’t true. I can come up with at least 2 times when I made a big impact in someone else’s life. More if I let myself really think about it. It still comes back to haunt me, tho.
Ugly thought number 10: None of this is going to make a pile of shit difference in my life. Not the blog, not the meds, not the counseling. Nothing. It’s still going to be an uphill battle. I’m still going to be lonely at times. I’m still going to have to face people leaving me, failure, bigotry, violence, depression, anger, and everything I just hate to face right now. It didn’t take me long in this world to figure out that I didn’t want to be here. I don’t know how any amount of blogging or talking or medications to calm me down is going to change that.
Ugly thoughts. There you go, my brain dump for the day. Thank you, safety net, for being her to catch all the bile and shit I spew out every damned morning. There’s more to come.