In the System: My first appointment

Wednesday I saw a counselor for the first time in my life. I’m kind of jumbled up about it. It was easier than I worried over; the person who spoke to me was fluent in English. Unfortunately, it was also a woman. I have a real hard time with this – I’m a woman myself, and always damned glad to see another woman in high end professions, but I don’t want my counsellor to BE a woman cause I’m not comfortable with them. They trigger all my mother and sister issues and no matter how hard I try not to I spend a lot of time trying to please them. But I walked into the appointment expecting trouble, so I was well prepped mentally. I almost choked when I told her I thought I was bipolar (had a very short out of body feeling when it came out of my mouth) but I did get it out and we talked about it. The upshot of everything is this: I’ll be headed back ASAP to see a psychiatrist to determine if I really am bipolar. The counselor was very clear about one thing: I beat myself up. Yep. She got that one right; heard it all my life and am completely unable to stop it for the long haul. I HAVE improved – there was a day I wore holes in my back from doing too many sit-ups, and I don’t do that kind of thing anymore. But I do push myself, berate myself, and generally give myself a really hard time. I know that. Sometimes it’s the only thing that gets me up doing SOMETHING other that sitting around all day smoking a joint and losing myself in music or video games. And if I wasn’t harsh on myself I’d be as fat as my sister – who, by her own account, once topped 360 lbs at 5 foot 6 inches. Fat, fat, fat! Jumped off the track of my thoughts there. Sorry, got caught in the fat loop. I have a new understanding for anyone undergoing psychiatric evaluation. After questioning me about my sleep habits, the counselor told me that I was still within the ‘norm’. But it’s not normal for me (which I told her). And when I say I spend 7 hours in bed, it doesn’t mean I spend 7 hours sleeping. It means I spend 7 hours lying prone on my bed letting my body rest. I’m usually playing sudoku for at least 1 of those hours and I toss and turn during a lot of the rest. But, just like in a court case with a witness being questioned by an attorney, the counselor led the questioning and didn’t always allow me enough time to fully give her all my info. I know that’s partly due to the fact that I’m manic right now (told her that) and I’m far more wordy than I need to be. Plus I get off track a lot. Talk about frustrating! She did bring up medication. I’ve thought a lot about this, especially since I went cold turkey off all my meds (including an anti-depressant) when I moved to the Netherlands because I wasn’t fully registered, didn’t have health insurance, and had a lot of bills from the move. It was the toughest 10 weeks I’ve had to live through and I don’t know that I could do it again. On the other hand, I’m very ready to move on with my life and be happy. Maybe even have some friends. And if there’s a medication out there that could give me that – even if it’s only for a short period of time – well…Let’s just say I’m so hungry for normality in my life that I think I’m ready to risk the side effects and any possible future scenarios just to see what it feels like for a while. Goddess, I hope I’m not making a mistake. One more thing. It was worth it all; the pre-worrying, the frustration, the fear, JUST to say to someone else that my sister is, in my opinion, the biggest sadistic bitch that walks this planet – and have it noted down. THAT felt good.

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2 thoughts on “In the System: My first appointment

  1. Reading these tales of your bravery with counseling is slowly strengthening my resolve to seek help. (I know you don’t necessarily feel brave, but you are.) Proud of you for addressing these things. And grateful to you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Courage is the ability to take action even in fear. I feel forced to take action in my life a lot, so it’s hard to take any credit for bravery… *deep breath* Thank you. Thank you for thinking I’m brave. And thanks for being proud of me and telling me….That’s a weird feeling for me to process; someone is proud of me…It gives me a new reason to keep trying. Thanks.

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