May 12, 2015
You were shitty this morning. Outright.
I woke up an hour early – 5:30 am – because I was excited about heading to the pool. It’s not that I don’t appreciate being reminded how nice dawn is; I do, and I enjoyed that early morning buzz from air that’s been cleansed overnight and left so fresh each breath is like a hit of nitrous. I practically danced to the swimming pool, enjoying some INXS melding with bird song, only to find you were in a bitchy mood.
For some reason, they wouldn’t let me swim without giving them a phone number. My Dutch is very limited; I’m a lazy scholar, I’ve only been living here 8 months, and frankly it’s only been the last few weeks I’ve even been ready to tackle the language. So I really couldn’t grasp what was the reason for all of it, only that I couldn’t participate this morning like I was looking forward to because, of course, I didn’t bring my phone. I REALLY didn’t expect to need a phone at 8:30 am. In the pool. And sorry, but memorizing phone numbers is just a thing of the past with me. *sigh*
I know it’s probably pretty small of me to feel so disappointed over this. All I need to do is go back next week. I could even go back earlier than the class and get this whole thing sorted out. They DO have open pool hours each day. It’s only the class that happens once a week. So I could go back with my phone, get all the paperwork or whatever they need done, and viola! Welcome to pool-time.
Unfortunately, you triggered my ‘all or nothing’ button. My first reaction was ‘fuUUUUCK YOU!’. If I can’t do it now, forget it all together. I realize that’s counterproductive and won’t get me anywhere, but I’d be lying if I told you anything else. After a few nanoseconds, I looked at my other options. If they really need my phone number and I don’t know it, then I’ve got to have my phone on me when I go swimming. Since I didn’t, my only option was to head back home. I have to say the journey back was very different from the journey there. I still had INXS on and the birds were still singing, but my mood was very black and it took a lot of self control to not storm back like Darth Vader stalking the halls of the Death Star. And I can’t say I was all that successful, either.
I do feel successful at having made a decision sticking to it. I decided that I was NOT going to let you sucker me into hurting myself by walking back too fast to get my phone and then hurrying to try to make the class this morning. You can’t keep fooling me that way; I’ve learned my lesson. I did note, after returning home, that there’s an open swim time at 11 this morning. I’ve not made up my mind to go yet; after what you pulled this morning I’m leaving it open. My body isn’t used to being up at 5:30 am lately, so I might poop out early.
The pattern here is clear to me: I get too focused on a future event happening a certain way and when it doesn’t play out that way my mood goes down the toilet. The problem is, I don’t know how to break it. Where’s the line between happy imaginings of future events and obsessing? I don’t need hindsight on this: it does me no good to see I’ve been obsessing only once my mood hits rock bottom.
Shit. Why couldn’t you just have let me swim this morning rather than bringing all this up?